Don't Worry, Be Happy

So, that was pretty dark. I feel like I need to update. I am operating at normal capacity today. Yesterday, I felt much better after venting. This blog thing can be very cathartic when you need it to be. I did finish those "to-do's" and I think the sense of accomplishment helped some. I have gotten a lot done today and am right on track for Christmas. On the list for today:

Ironing
Bean Soup
Baking
Grocery shop
Floors

Not too much. Should be able to finish it. I've already started the bean soup.

Christmas is going to be fun. I have high hopes for Christmas morning and I can't imagine not enjoying every minute of it. Thanks to those of you who showed concern yesterday - don't worry, there isn't a doctor in his right mind who would prescribe me anti-depressants. I'm just being very open here and I'm finding that openness can be very spirit-lifting. I'm going to get up a bit early tomorrow morning and sit by my tree with coffee in hand, pondering the reason for this season. Beginning the day with reflection and thanksgiving is the most basic way to start Christmas. I encourage anyone who is having a difficult time this year to focus on the real reason we celebrate and to invite that joyous feeling at the birth of salvation and hope into your hearts. My hope is that we all have a very merry Christmas!

2 Days Until Lift-Off

After my last post, I felt much relieved. So, I'm hoping this post will have the same effect. That next day - Friday and Saturday in fact - things seemed strangely normal. Then, the bottom dropped out. In fact, after two nights of stress and rehashing all of the circumstances surrounding my father's death, I reached the end of my rope. Actually, to borrow a runner's term, I hit the wall...hard. Yesterday it was actually difficult to get out of bed. Today, I got out of bed but had to lay down again after lunch when I started having a panic attack. I know that I sound like a complete crazy person as I type this. Maybe I am. I have never felt this emotionally messed up in my whole life.

What triggered the panic attack? Several small things sent my heart racing and before I knew it, I was in fight or flight mode. One bill that is due, one phone call unanswered, and a list of things to do that is 3 miles long and 5 miles wide. Apparently that is enough to send me back to bed today. So, have I become that person who everyone walks on egg-shells around because I might cry or stop functioning for 3 days? Guess so. I actually contemplated medication yesterday. My only hesitation is the fact that I would have to curtail New Year's Eve champagne if I went on anti-depressants and by God I've earned the right to kick 2009's ass with a toast to the next year. So, I just have to get through the next 2-3 days and I'll be fine, right?

The truly ironic thing about this anxiety I'm having is that I have actually gotten a lot done today. I went through all of Ford's clothes and cleaned out from under his bed. I also cleaned my stove and cleaned out the refrigerator. I started my meal planning for Thursday and started dusting. Why do I feel so crappy then? Why do I feel like the laziest slob on the planet? What do I have left today? I am going to finish the laundry and write an 11 minute script for Lincoln. If I can manage that, plus make dinner, I will have basically finished my list. Why then all the anxiety? It must me unrelated to the "doings" of Christmas. There's an invisible source of stress and worry that I can't put my finger on.

I'm going to try and untangle it. Okay, at Christmas, I always feel like a kid again. In fact, I remind myself to be a kid again with pictures from Christmas past on the mantle, toys under the tree, and a host of crafting activities and lights to see. Maybe I am struggling with this because at the time of year when I most want to be a kid again, I have lost my dad. I feel grown up in the worst of ways. Well, if that's it, there's no fixing it. I just have to plow ahead. So, back to my list. Back to the planning, the cleaning, the cooking and the "merriment". Perhaps Christmas itself will be enough of a distraction to bring the joy back into it - no pun intended. I probably won't post again until I need to vent. So, if you've read this whole thing, bless you. I promise that soon I will have a funny story or uplifting observation. Right now, I'm just counting down to Christmas like everybody else.

The 100th Post

It's my 100th post. I thought I might do something special for you but after spending a week or so pondering that, nothing came to mind. Then, spontaneously, I wanted to post tonight.

So I'm standing by my tree, alone, waiting for it to magically make me feel better. This Christmas has been pretty lackluster so far. Let me give you some examples: I always cry when I watch Polar Express, but this year, I cried 5 times and I was only halfway through the movie! I finally gave up and started cleaning the floors (my classic stress response - cleaning). More examples...just the thought of decorating my tree made me sad. The tree sat outside on my porch for 3 days before we finally dragged it inside. After allowing my kids to decorate the whole thing (or the bottom third of it at least) I was content to allow Baxter to snip off the tip so the angel could fit up there - and while hugging my milk punch and sulking, finally exploded in laughter when the tip of the tree plopped right into my drink. I think it was the only time I smiled all night.

Tonight, like every night, I'm just blue - totally lifeless. I am not myself. I feel like I'm trapped in another dimension. So I am standing by my tree tonight, thankful for its sacrifice, enjoying its fragrance, and hoping that one of the ornaments will gleam in some certain way and catch my eye...and nothing happens. Nothing happens until I stare at a frosty blue ball - one of about a dozen like it on the tree - that just happens to be at my eye level. I stare at it in a sympathetic sort of way. That's how I feel - frosty blue. That's the ornament I identify with this year. Not the tipsy elf in the martini glass - not the saxophone wielding Santa Clause - not the homemade signed and dated ornaments from my children - not the Rubanesque angel painted orbs - the blue glass ball from Target. And suddenly, it occurs to me...my dad wouldn't want this for me. He named me Joy, after all. If he is watching from heaven, his heart would be heavy. He would not want me to be this other, sad person from planet blah. He would want me to be who I am, a woman who loves Christmas, who loves the get-togethers and merriment, who loves the lights and tinsel and carols. The song "Breath of Heaven" shouldn't make me feel like pushing myself off on an ice-flow. I need a Christmas miracle tonight. May my heart grow three sizes! I want to go buy the biggest Christmas Goose in all of Smyrna! For the last week of Christmas, I want to feel like myself again. I want to wake up tomorrow and feel a rush of Christmas spirit like never before. I am praying tonight for that miracle. May God give me myself back. That's all I really want for Christmas this year. What do you really want?

So Thankful

It's really not a cliche. I really do have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for a husband who is still growing. I would hate to feel like I was chained down to someone who never changed, never opened his heart, his mind, or tried anything new. I love that my husband can evolve to meet life's demands and come out on the other side better for the struggle.

I'm thankful that my children are healthy and that each night, my greatest fear is that they will have a bad dream. They have never missed a meal, a hug, or a step along the way. Not only are they thriving, but God gave them each such beauty and talents that I have every confidence that they can truly reach for the stars.

This year, I am thankful to have a roof over my head and a husband with a good job.

I am thankful for a family that has given me everything they could in every circumstance. My parents modeled sacrifice and unconditional love. They taught me where to keep my priorities and where true happiness comes from.

I am thankful that I have a real heavenly Father. I am thankful that even when I felt far away, He was always near and that before I could forgive myself, He had already forgiven me.

I am thankful for seeds planted that have slumbered under the earth, and for the steady rain and rich soil that allowed them to sprout up into the sunshine. I am thankful for promises, hope and future blessings, whatever they may be.

Ramble On...

So, today was the busiest day I've probably ever had and it all stressed me out. We started early this morning, getting ready for soccer. Ford's end-of-season-party was donuts and cocoa before his last game - laid back and wonderful. His team won. No, we're not supposed to keep score, but with Alajandro on the team, it's fun to keep score.

Lunch at Decoeur de France. There are no words to describe how perfectly delicious everything was. Baxter: smoked salmon eggs benedict. Kids: Croque Monseiurs. Me: goat cheese and green onion omelet with croissant and homemade preserves. Plus, 2 orders of the most amazing hash browns you'll ever taste, one crepe with strawberries and one crepe with nutella to split. Oh, and we also took home chocolate eclairs that we ate in the car because we're total pigs!

Costume change #2, then Abby's last soccer game. They also won - yay! I love our soccer teams. The parents are all awesome and the kids are all really genuine, silly, fun kids. Too bad my kids don't like to play soccer!! I am not pushing them. I don't do that. But at what point do you say, "you know, I don't want to pay for this anymore if you're not going to run..."

Stevi B's is a crappy, crappy place. I'll never go there again. It's like Cici's Pizza, but worse. We paid for tokens for the "arcade" and most of the games took quarters. The cheese could not have been real. I wonder what it was made of.

Not all trophies are created equal. Abby's looks like a lesbian. Why can't they find a cute girl to put on top of the girls trophies instead of a man with boobs? Abby doesn't have boobs. And she doesn't look like a man. Next time, I'm going to suggest one with a soccer ball on top.

Costume change #3 & Abby went to her first sleepover. It's 11:30 and she hasn't called me, so I guess she's okay. Wow. That feels like a milestone.

I love that we can walk over to our neighbors' house and hang out. Fun night. Words of wisdom part 2: I can sing karaoke but I can't sing just any song. I need to work on my song selection. I need to channel my inner Simon Cowell.

My house is a wreck. I agree with Jen. I don't like to do chores. The only thing I like doing is purging. I could totally be that Clean House lady.

I love google. I'm good at it. It's all in the wrist. Right now, in my search box are the words (from earlier) "red spot in eye white." I love that I can instantly find out that Ford doesn't need to go to the doctor. If it weren't for google, they'd have banned me from the office long ago.

I'm a terrible dancer, although I sometimes do it anyway. I would love to take ballroom with Baxter if only he would. Debbie Gibson's "Out of the Blue" was one of my favorites and I can still sing all the words to most of it. I used to dance to it too. I had a beret that I liked wearing. I remember tearing holes in my jeans and drawing a face on my knee just like the album cover. I'm pretty sure I also pulled my shirt off my shoulder for this particular look. She's probably the reason I always wanted tousled/curly hair.

Older men are sexy. I love that Baxter has a few years on me. I love it that his hair is a little "salty" here and there but that he still looks really young for his age. It's like knowing a secret all the time.

I almost named Abby "Alice" and I kind of wish I had from time to time, although Abigail is nice. If I had another boy, I would name him James after my dad. If I had another girl, I might also name her Jaymes.

On Thursday, the kids and I painted pictures on canvas outside. We were trying to be Impressionists. It was fun. I'm like Matisse in his use of bold colors and distinct lines. I like my painting and secretly think I could probably have been an artist. Maybe I'll be like Grandma Moses.

I'm very busy and life is very good. I have moments, like while we were painting, when I feel like I'm just basking in the sun. But most of the time, I'm a little blue. I am wearing black and I feel like wearing black. I feel dark and somber despite the goodness around me. Is it too early to be longing for spring?

Healing Well

Today was a great day. I said yesterday that I needed just one great day and I guess God was listening. I baked pumpkin bread last night and dropped off a loaf of it on my mom's doorstep on the way to soccer. Baxter was finishing up his 10K in Peachtree City as we headed over there. Soccer this morning was better than average with all the sunshine and the surprise return of Baxter a little ahead of schedule. Then, we did a little housework, picked up lunch and headed to my mother's. Eating with her seems to cheer her up a lot. It is nice for her not to have to make anything since she was a "short order cook" for so long. We had a nice lunch and then the kids started playing. Of course, they never want to leave if Jordan is over there. We ended up over there for most of the afternoon and all evening. While Baxter and my brother tried to fix our broken hot water heater, the kids and I raked my mom's yard. The last time I blew off the driveway and sidewalk was on the day daddy died. Actually, that is what I was doing the moment he died.

If you didn't know my dad, you wouldn't know that raking leaves and tinkering around the yard was one of his favorite things. The neighbors would always see him outside raking through the Fall. It might have taken him all day to do one little area, but he was out there - getting his "exercise." That day, I was deep in thought, thinking about the fact that my dad was in bed and I was blowing the leaves instead of him. I was actually doing it for him - so that we could get him into the car without worrying about acorns and sticks tripping us up. I was also wondering what the doctors would tell us once we got him to the hospital. My brother pulled up as I was finishing, went inside briefly and then hurried home to change so we could take him. I was turning off the leaf blower when Ford came running down to tell me that "Papa Don isn't breathing." I dropped it and ran, got into the room and tried to take his vital signs. Once I realized there was no pulse, I started CPR and told the kids to run and get Uncle Jimbo. He arrived in a minute and I told him to call 911. There was some shock and confusion. It took both of us a minute to react. First me, coming in from the leaves. Then him, unsure that he was hearing what I had just said. He called. They arrived. He was gone before they got there. I imagine that he was above me briefly as I performed his usual chore. I think he knew we would all be there to take care of things now - that he didn't have to worry about these earthly things anymore.

Today as I walked that path and cleared it once again, I did not feel any sadness. I felt an extreme sense of oneness with creation, with duty, with family, and with God. The kids helped me rake with his rakes, the leaves that he would have been happily raking - and I was happy to rake them as I've never been happy to rake before! They jumped in the big crispy piles and laughed so joyously that I considered bruising my own behind with a jump in the pile. But, knowing my high rate of injury whenever I try to act like a kid again, decided against it. Besides, just watching them was wonderful enough. I do miss my daddy not being there but what I have here is so great. God is so great. His blessings are great and even though today was not particularly special, it was a great day.

Great.

Well, maybe I'm not doing that great. Tonight at dinner, I suddenly felt like all the food I had swallowed (which was about 6-8 bites) was stuck somewhere on its way down. I stood up, took a couple of breaths, bent over, tried to swallow, and felt like my chest was going to explode! I excused myself, headed to the bathroom and threw up. I felt a lot better after that although I still feel a dull pain in my chest.

Apparently, this is something called Esophageal Spasm. Known causes are vague, but anxiety is thought to trigger it. So, great. I'm not about to go call a doctor tomorrow and get a Rx for anti-anxiety or depression med as the web sites I checked suggested. I need to, however, deal with my stress more effectively. So, I'm prescribing yoga for myself tomorrow. I may also turn off my phone. I may also sleep until 9:30. Then perhaps a long walk?? Any other suggestions??

S-Mother

I am trying not to smother my mother right now. She has been beautiful since the passing of my dad. The only exception is in the food department. 54 years of marriage is a long time to make the same breakfast every day. She will have to adjust to living alone in many ways. I'm sure sleeping alone is going to continue to be difficult for some time. Thankfully, she is not having any trouble sleeping through the night. Being alone all day is going to be lonely at times. Hopefully, she will find new ways to fill her days. I have been taking care of a lot of her food for the last two weeks, sending her leftovers, inviting her for meals, and supplying her with ideas for breakfast that don't involve making eggs, grits, sausage and biscuits - for one. Still, I am worried that I'm over-doing it. I know she's perfectly capable of taking care of herself. I know she needs time to be alone to process and heal. I just want to make sure I'm doing everything she needs during this adjustment period. I call on the way to the store to see if I can pick her up anything. I offer to do things constantly. Perhaps I'm doing too much. I don't want her to feel completely smothered by me. I need to pray in this department over the coming days and weeks.

Lord, help me to know what my mother's needs are. Help me to
anticipate them so that she will not have to ask. Help me to know when to
leave her be so that I do not create any undue tension between us. Help me
teach my kids throughout this process so that they may learn a new aspect of
love through me. Continue to bring all of us healing and comfort
throughout the coming months.

Friends and Neighbors

I want to take a moment to broadly thank everyone who has sent flowers, plants, condolences, cards, emails, and food to me and the rest of my family over the last 10 days. I have been surprised by the support and love of my friends, both new and old. Old friends are the best at times like these. They always seem to know what you need most. I have also seen new friends reach out in unexpected and welcome ways. One of my oldest friends, Mandy, sent me a sweet card on Monday. On the same day, my neighbor Heather brought me muffins. Ironically, I knew Heather in college - she was Mandy's roommate. We weren't really friends then, but now we're neighbors. I Hadn't seen her since 1994, until I moved in to Grandma's house. I just think it illustrated so well how old friends and new friends are there for support when you need them.

My neighbors are bringing us dinner tonight. I'm not sure what it will be but I am surrounded by talented cooks so it ought to be wonderful. Of course, none of them have seen the house before and it's not really finished - but it's good enough. I took the opportunity yesterday and today to finally get my house organized and clean for them. I just finished mopping and I have to say, I feel so much better than I did over the weekend staring at piles of clothes that needed ironing and baseboards that needed mopping. Cleaning is also a way I deal with stress. I usually have a pretty messy house because I'm a pretty happy person! If you ever come over unexpectedly and the house looks completely put-away and scoured, I am probably in the middle of some crisis. There are worse ways I could deal with stress. I could drink a lot - or turn on my family - or delve into a deep and dark depression. Compulsively organizing closets is benign enough.

Last night I had a panic attack in the middle of the night. I have had these before when I've been particularly stressed out but not in a long while. It wasn't as bad as the ones I had in the past. I was able to go right back to sleep afterwards. The first time I had one, I thought I was dying. I guess expecting the reaction makes it a little easier to handle. I broke out in hives on Sunday - also a physical response to stress that I am familiar with. I had one little patch then and didn't give it too much thought. However, by yesterday, both of my legs were fairly covered in them. I exfoliated, bought some fresh hydrocortisone cream which I applied liberally, and resorted to taking a benadryl. I am very sensitive to benadryl and so it took me most of the morning to completely wake up. The hives are still there but I think they will be getting better now.

The rest of the week will be spent just catching up with life. I have so much work to get done by Friday and also a book I need to finish reading before we meet to discuss it on Sunday. At least we're caught up on school and house-cleaning. Maybe I'll get out and get some sunshine this afternoon.

Journal - 10/26

Well, I'm still pretty down. I don't feel as distracted anymore so I guess the shock is starting to wear off. Now, normal activities feel like distractions. Last night, we watched America's Funniest Videos which had me rolling with laughter with the kids. After that, we all watched Extreme Home Makeover and got to cry for joyful reasons. That can be therapeutic. After that, we watched Grey's Anatomy off the Tivo. I'm not sure medical dramas are the way to go right now, what with the death and hospitals and all. It was somewhat distracting, mixed with images of my dad lying on a stretcher and the last words we spoke to each other. After that, we watched Modern Family, a new show that I really love. I really couldn't laugh out loud at that and I think by then, my emotions were growing more sad. Baxter and I talked for a few minutes in bed. Once I remove the distraction (i.e., TV), I have to deal with the feelings that were suspended during the distraction. I cried again. Not for a long time, but they were irrepressible tears. I feel a sense of loss that is quite depressing and sad. I really hope I can work through all of my feelings myself, bit it's possible I may need to go to some grief counseling.

Today has been better than yesterday. The kids and I slept until 9:15 so that tells you how wiped out we've been. We had breakfast and dug into our lesson plan from last week. The beauty of homeschooling is that you can just readjust your schedule at will and your kids don't miss anything in the learning process. We had a very productive morning and then had lunch at 1:00. I can't eat much. I only ate half a bagel for breakfast and half a fried egg sandwich for lunch. I know I need more sustenance than that, but it's just the way my body responds to stress. Some people eat more, I eat less. I think I might buy some nutritional supplement bars to eat early in the day instead of picking at regular food. I need to take care of my body's basic requirements if I expect to start feeling better.

After lessons, I felt almost normal. My energy seemed good and I felt like my old self. Then, when I couldn't finish my sandwich, I just felt awful again. It's so pretty outside and I know I need some sunshine. I think I will finish picking up the house and then head outside to play with the kids. I know I'll get through this, I just need to take it one step at a time. Today, I introduced routine back into my life. But at the same time, I know that nothing will ever be just like it was before.

My Life-Changing Event

Back on October 14th, I couldn't foresee my life being much more than the regular day-to-day routine that I was living. I would definitely call the loss of my father a life changing event. Therefore, this blog will very likely see a lot of new posts from me. I'm not sure why I haven't written yet. There is much I could have described about the day he passed away, the day we made his funeral arrangements, or the two days of services and burial. I could have written yesterday about the rainy day and how I wanted to lay in bed all day crying but I made myself put on make up and dress and go out into the world of the living. I don't know why I'm pushing my feelings away. I'm not one who usually does that. I spent years trying to unravel my sister's death and my families' struggle with it. I guess I just wasn't ready to lose my daddy. I'm going to use this blog to process all of this. I need it now more than ever. I googled "stages of grief death of a parent" a little while ago. I'm having such a strange mix of feelings (both emotional and physical) that I wanted to know if it was grief or swine flu! Turns out that nausea is a physical symptom of grief and I've had it on and off since I started CPR on him on Monday. I feel a great sense of heaviness, have no appetite and have had some chest pain. I think the more I suck in my emotions, the more they are probably going to exhibit themselves physically. I have cried a lot though. Yesterday, I started crying in my soup - literally. Ford said, "How many times are you going to cry today? You cried at breakfast and now at lunch...are you going to cry at dinner too?" Then, my tears transitioned (not so smoothly) into an almost hysterical laugh. "I don't know!" I replied, "maybe!" So, I am allowing myself to cry and I've done a lot of therapeutic things. For instance, I made the DVD for the funeral home and another larger one for the wake afterwards. Looking through all of those pictures with mama was an amazing and spontaneous thing. Then, the act of scanning them all and selecting songs - it was almost a dutiful thing. It made me feel like I was doing something to honor him. The obituary was the same way. I felt that it was a way I could honor him. Strangely though, writing it felt so good and reading it in the paper was so painful. I broke down in the middle of Waffle House. I am trying to hold it together. I don't want to feel like a complete mess of a person. I like to feel in control of my emotions - but I guess that's kind of like lying to myself.

According to the stages of grief, I am experiencing all of them at once. I feel a version of denial, as well as deep sadness, projected anger (at unrelated things), depression and - what was the other one again? I forgot to mention that I'm VERY distracted. I went around for three hours yesterday without my insulin pump. Oops! I also went up to my brothers for 10 minutes or so and looked for my keys everywhere before finally deciding that maybe they were in the car. When I walked outside, I discovered I had left it running the entire time. I feel like a complete space cadet and I'm worried that the stress of it all has actually affected my brain functioning! But actually, obsessing about your own health and mortality is another part of the greiving process.

Well, that's all I'm ready to write about for now: where I am, what I'm feeling, yada yada yada. I think recounting the stories of the past week will come later.

The Obituary Post

I know I'll have more to share about this; but for now, this is all I want to post.

My Daddy's Obituary

Split Personality

Well, I just don't have time for anything anymore. I need to post about school more than anything else, so unless I face some life-changing event, this blog may be somewhat dull. Please visit my homeschool blog to see what we've been up to in school these days. Otherwise, you'll just have to call me on my cell phone from soccer practice to find out about the rest of my life!

Eight Years and a Lot of Reading

What were you doing eight years ago? Don't remember? I can. Baxter and I were newlyweds. We were on the last couple of days of our honeymoon in Paris. We returned on the 7th (just barely missing my birthday) and we came back to Greenville, SC to pack up and move to our new home in Savannah. Those were exhausting and scary times back then. The fresh memory of 9/11 literally smoldered over the harbor as we took off from Newark a few days prior. People were coming together in solidarity against the evil of terrorism. Baxter and I were in love - passionate, beautiful and earth-shattering love. We had made a commitment to each other that still stands today - unshaken.



I remember the move to Savannah. Our first house on 63rd Street was so cute. I did my best to decorate it like a new wife should. Baxter was fresh off the heels of closing his restaurant. We had little money when we moved and no jobs. Pretty soon, we were broke. I look back on those scary days when we were living off of 19 cent-a-pound chicken quarters from the Red and Black with so much fondness. How we survived is still a mystery to me and I just can't believe that we did. We did land jobs - good ones - and we started to make it finally. I know it was only possible because we were holding each other's hands the whole way.



Some time after we moved, I realized that I had lost my bible. I will admit, it had been a long time since I had picked it up. My early twenties were not a time in which I sought after a deeper relationship with Christ. In fact, for some time I pushed Him away. I had fallen victim to anger, pride and lust. I was living in a completely selfish way and although I loved my husband dearly, I felt an emptiness and longing that I will never forget. After neglecting the Word for so long, once I wanted it, I couldn't get my hands on it fast enough. I remember being near an outlet mall in Savannah on a weekend and demanding that Baxter, "stop the car right now!!" I was literally drawn into the Christian book store by forces beyond my control. I went straight to the Bible aisle and poured over the selections like I was looking for a long-lost child. I chose a conservative, leather-bound NKJV. I couldn't even wait until I got home to read it, I started searching through it immediately.



We shared a car for a while back then. Baxter had to be at work at 7AM so we would leave the house at 6:30 and I would drop him off at Capitol Materials before heading over to my job as an administrative assistant at Gulfstream Aerospace. After I parked, I would sit in my car and read the bible. I just started on Genesis and read it straight through. I know there are other ways to read the bible but I had read it chronologically before and not knowing what I was looking for, I just felt good to be in The Word again. Eventually, my boss told me to stop reading in my car - he would be happy to see someone reading the bible at work early in the morning! So, I started reading at my desk before the phones started ringing and before letters needed typing. Maybe that is why I still think of Gulfstream as my favorite job of all.



The purchase of that bible and the single act of dedicating myself to reading God's Word changed my life - in some ways I may never know. God had been holding my hand ever since. He has led me to reach out to people and given me strength in every adversity. God is always faithful. Sometimes, we need to remember how to come back to our own faithfulness. Prayer can be a catalyst, Christian community can be encouraging - but the scriptures are unfailing. I know that seeds were planted eight years ago. Some of them started bearing fruit quickly but others are just starting to bud. I praise God for giving me such blessings and for always looking out for me, even when I felt far away.



I continue to immerse myself in the bible. Right now I am working on praying the scriptures for my husband and my children. A couple of months ago, I was introduced to a blog called Praying My Heart Out and dedicated myself to praying the scripture for Baxter and let me just say - the fruits from this have been amazingly abundant! God is listening, but sometimes we need help to just know what to say. For my birthday, a dear friend gave me a book called Praying the Scriptures For Your Children. This has introduced a new way of praying for my children that makes so much sense to me. The words are already written - we want so many of the same things - but putting these desires into prayers for our little ones is so important.

I feel God leading me in new and exciting paths and this morning, I felt like sharing a bit of my testimony to those that read this. If you find yourself far away from God right now, I hope it has encouraged you in some way to reconnect with God's word. The power of His Word alone is amazing!

Go To School

I just published a pretty funny post on my homeschool blog, PTO of One. Visit it for a recap of yesterday and some general observations about Walmart.

When God Touches Your Shoulder

A few of my friends received an email from me earlier this week. It was a long, complaining one, about all of the silly things that are annoying me right now. It was titled "woes" and it was just basically me venting frustration towards friendly ears. Sometimes we all need to do that, and my responses back were encouraging and even hilarious.

In part of my email, I complained about how many times per week we are supposed to drive to Mableton for soccer practice. Yes, 4-5 times per week is a lot of time, gas, and commitment to my kids. It's a lot of time from our schedule. However, last night I was approached by a mother arriving just a few minutes before our practice was ending. She wanted to know what team we were and I told her. She asked if this was the only U8 field. I explained the layout to her and pointed out the fields where the U8's practice. I also told her that we were almost finished but that more teams would be showing up for the 7-8 time-slot. I told her, her best bet was just to ask around as I had on Tuesday. She didn't know the team name or which field they were practicing on, only the first name of the coach, Rob. Most mothers would have probably paid more attention to the emails - or maybe gone to the parents meeting - but this mother has other things on her mind. Her beautiful little girl had no hair on her head. She obviously has been battling cancer, and there she was, wanting so badly to play soccer like all of the other little girls. I felt so ashamed for complaining about parking and late nights. It touched me so deeply that I had to pray to God for forgiveness. How blessed my life is! Don't take your beautiful and healthy children for granted!!!

What Up?

I just realized that it's been almost a month since I last posted here. Yuck. Sorry. It has been a particularly difficult month physically and that has but a bit of a strain on my ability to write. I am still working on my book and I'm managing to keep up with copywriting assignments, but both my examiner page and this blog have suffered. I should be able to be more consistent now that I'm feeling better. School with the children is going well. I remember the beginning of last year feeling a little awkward but this was so smooth I hardly needed to explain anything. We just dove right in!

I have health insurance again!! WHOO HOOO!!! Let me preface this by saying I am NOT in favor of universal-government-run-healthcare. However, living without access to coverage because of my pre-existing condition (type 1 diabetes) had been very difficult indeed. Thankfully, Baxter's job has provided us with awesome benefits which started kicking in on Tuesday. I had my first appointment with my new Endocrinologist today. I had no idea who to go see so I prayed about it and literally just picked him off of our list (of about 70 providers). He is wonderful! I think God answered my prayers very clearly here. The practice is the most cutting-edge in the city, the care is incredible and his bedside manner is the best I've ever experienced. If you need an Endocrinologist...see Dr. Bode!!

We are settling into what appears to be a very busy season for us. Soccer practice alone could put me in an early grave. However, we all feel up to the task and will just take it as it comes.

One last thing, I'm going through a new phase in my relationship with my parents. My parents are aging. We're all aging, I know, but my dad is now 78 and my mom is 76. They're no spring chickens. It is difficult to watch your parents grow old and feeble - daddy especially. I feel a great change coming on and I'm only 32. I'm not prepared for it. I should be but I'm not. As we all reach these middle years of our lives, prayer becomes so important. I am going to focus more of my prayer life on my children and my parents. We all have our concerns for these groups in our lives and I feel torn between concern for the two. It is stressful and must be what causes grey hair! I've never felt like I've had to write down prayer requests because I can remember them just fine. Now, they seem to be piling up all around me. I'm going t need a journal!

Creative Energy

I am writing so much right now. In a recent post, I announced my second paid writing gig and it has been going fairly well. I also have plenty of work from AMTC right now to keep my hands flowing. I always think it's funny how things just build and build upon themselves and we aren't even aware of it until the foundation is laid. God is always working, even when we're not. I found my job with AMTC when I reached out in friendship to a woman at Abby's school. We became close friends because of that and she introduced me to her boss when they needed a new freelancer. In working for Skip, I have learned great technical skill. I have learned the power of carefully chosen words, and I have learned how to complete an assignment on time. I have become their most valued writer and could probably parlay my experience there into a full-time position with an advertising firm here in Atlanta if I chose to do so - but that's not for me.

Some months after I began writing for AMTC, I wrote a letter to a long lost friend of mine asking her to be my friend once again. From that, I was introduced to mom-blogs and cooking blogs. I decided to stretch my wings again and try this medium for my writing. Many things have been published here that have impacted my life in tremendous ways. I have learned to be more open and less guarded with my feelings. This blog has been very good for me.

Baxter found a job opening for me. Now I'm writing for examiner.com as well. And although I am not crazy about my topic (rich kids!? bleh!), I am crazy about honing my skills even more. Writing without deadlines but only to increase my readership takes discipline, as does conjuring up article ideas for pampered kids during the worst recession in 70 years. I'm not sure how long I will keep this position; but for now it is an outlet that I was lead to for reasons beyond my immediate understanding.

So, with all of this writing going on, you would think that creative writing was taking a major backseat. However, this is not the case at all. Just when I think I can't possibly write another word, inspiration hits me and I pick up that book once again. It's flowing very well right now and I'm more excited than ever about the possibility of seeing my lifelong dream come true. Please pray that I can sustain myself through the school year and continue writing this labor of love. It is my true passion and I need to make room for passion in my life. In fact, we could all use an extra dose of it these days.

Mother/Blogger Finds 7 M/O Son On Craig's List

I post pictures, you post pictures, we ALL post pictures. Who is looking at them? How might one use these pictures? For one mother, her blog opened up an FBI investigation...something to make us all think.

Fox News Article

Me, A Writer

I guess I've been a professional writer for two years now. It is something I'm proud to tell people when they ask what I do (besides homeschooling, parenting, housecleaning and general slave duties). Until now, my blog has been the only outlet that I could share publicly with people who were interested in what kind of writer I am. I suppose you could call up any number of automotive dealerships or Chili's restaurants and hear something I wrote over the phone, but that's a little much to ask...

I recently started a second paid writing job. Just how much money I will make doing it has yet to be seen but I am going to give it my best effort. You just never know where things might lead. I am a writer with Examiner.com. It is a new on-line news platform, developed by a billionaire news mogul who is trying to keep up with the information age. If he is correct, it will change the way news is disseminated across local communities and the world. If he is wrong, then I guess he will just have to retire to his private island because all of his newspapers are going out of business!

Each examiner has a specific topic they cover. When I applied, I chose "Pampered Kids Examiner" because I was under the impression that I could write about various ways we as parents try to give our kids the best of everything (including our affection, prayers etc...). After I was hired, I was told to include links to lots of expensive stuff and high-end merchandise. So, maybe I'm not escaping advertising after all. Either way, I can inject myself into the articles as much as possible and I have plans for a natural evolution away from merchandise and more into the parenting perspective.

Unlike my blog, these articles are SHORT (ha ha) and to the point. I also get paid according to how many page views I get. I have made one cent so far today...so I am begging for clicks! You can subscribe to my page from the examiner web site and receive updates when I add new material. Or, an even better thing would be to add me to your favorites tool bar and click on my page every day! I get paid whether you read it or not, just as long as you click. If you are really interested in a topic, please leave a comment. Just keep in mind that I have no way of commenting back to you. If you have a question, it is better to email me, facebook me, or blog me. Also, I am searching for ideas for articles. I need to crank out 3-4 per week and that's a tough job in a slow economy when you're talking about expensive things. If you have any ideas, pictures you'd like me to use of your children (I can make them famous! lol), or any other input at all, please share! One last thing, if you have a blog, would you consider plugging me? Anything as simple as a post with the link to my page would be great. I need to build a readership and apparently that is a really difficult thing to do!

Joy's Examiner Page

Good News!!

I am taking a big sigh of relief as we hear great news about Gracie! She has escaped the jaws of death! Our new vet says that her kidney function is still good and isn't worried about her tumorous growths (yet). She wants to treat her with a very strong antibiotic and switch to a non-topical flea medication that may ease some of her inflammation (she thinks she is allergic to flea medicine). This along with some TLC may be all she needs! Yay! We will know in a few more weeks if her condition improves or she needs reevaluation. I am exhausted. I am also grateful to have found a vet that has a heart that I know I can trust. Thanks again to all of you who left comments about Gracie and to those of you who have come up to me and told me you understand what I'm going through. I know she's 11 and this news may only be a temporary fix; but as long as she's happy to be around and isn't in any pain, we're going to love her into her golden years.

Now, I can get back to reality again. Bible study meets here on Tuesday!! I will email you all this weekend with directions etc... I have a lot to do to get ready!! I have to finish tiling and a few other projects. I have to plan the menu and shop, clean like mad, and, oh yeah, finish up the reading for this week!

Quick Update

I just wanted to leave a note and let you all know what's happening w/ Gracie. We decided to do some additional tests before we make a final decision. We should know those results tomorrow and then we will definitely know what we should do. Thank you all for your sweet thoughts. It has been a difficult week for me and although I feel like we may be prolonging the inevitable, there is also a part of me that is very hopefull. I'll post again tomorrow.

Gracie

I was faced with a really terrible decision today. But, being grown ups, Baxter and I are going to have to make hard decisions from time to time. It looks like we have to put down my dog Gracie. I cried for about 45 minutes this morning, barely pulling myself together again before I had to get ready and pick up the kids from VBS at my sister's church.

She is so sick and so unhappy. Her quality of life has gone way down really fast. At such an otherwise joyful time in my life, it is a dark cloud that is hard to ignore today. Baxter is going to take care of the arrangements for me because I literally cannot talk about it without crying. I made the mistake of reading a "what to expect when you euthanize your dog" guide on-line and it completely sent me over the edge.

Just typing about this is making me sick. I'm asking for prayers from anyone and everyone. Please don't think, "she's just a dog, not your child." Gracie is the member of our family that has been with me the longest. She was mine for a year before I started dating Baxter. It is a huge loss even if it is in her best interest.

I just need to get through the next few days with as much strength and poise as I can muster. I don't want to make it harder on the kids than it needs to be. I think Ford will take it pretty hard no matter how I handle it. Watching me go to pieces will not do them any good. I am praying today that God take my sadness and the strange feelings of guilt that I'm having and give me peace.

Baxter is working late tonight so my niece is coming over for an "at home" wine tasting (just the 2 of us). I'm trying not to be alone because I will just get really sad about it. Maybe next week I will feel like posting some pictures and stories about her, but not today.

Homeschool Planning

I am doing very well with my plans for next year. I have some pretty picky expectations when it comes to text books and the like so I am very pleased with myself for having gotten so much done by July 3rd!

I have ordered Real Science 4 Kids Pre-Level 1 Chemistry and the workbook for the first half of our science curriculum. I may purchase the Biology book and workbook as well as I have heard that this won't take long to complete. Chemistry in 1st grade! Yay! (I know, I'm such a dork)

I have also decided to continue the Abeka math curriculum with Abby. She loved the Kindergarden book. We did the whole thing in about 3 months once she had experienced reading success. I thought it was fairly easy but since comparing it to other programs, I have learned that it is pretty advanced. So, since she loved it and everything else would be a step backwards, I'm just going to order the 1st grade Abeka math for her.

I am almost certain that I want to use Writing With Ease for language arts. I had looked at Climbing to Good English but have decided that WWE is more suited to her liking. Writing and the fundamentals of good English have always been so important to me and I just can't stress enough the importance of grasping good reading & writing skills. This program is 4 levels in one text so we can move through it with some fluidity. Although somewhat demanding, it draws from texts that I know my kids like. Passages are drawn from The Little House books, The Wizard of Oz etc... I love the idea that I can start her on Day One, Level One and will need no supplementation.

Ford is all set with his Hooked on Phonics and the Abeka curriculum that my sister gave me for reading and math.

I am unsure if I want to purchase books for history and geography or if I want to do those on my own. I will be doing units of study throughout the year but I have no idea what they will be. Any suggestions are welcome. I figure that art will draw from our units of study. I am also considering music lessons of some sort. Any advice in these areas would be greatly appreciated! The Homeschool Expo is at the end of the month! I need to have most of my outline finished by then if I want to take full advantage of the offerings there. Homeschool buddies, what are you all up to (question mark - that key is broken)

You Betta' Think

I drove to Athens today for my good friend's son's birthday party. It was great seeing them today and seeing her adorable baby bump! We also had the chance to see Ellie and my inlaws beforehand. She was so excited to see us and the kids had so much fun playing with her again. I have to admit that although seeing family and friends was great, there was something that I did today that I found even more wonderful. Since I was on the road for 3 hours total, I actually had time to THINK. I've been so busy lately writing scripts for work, writing for my new job, summer activities with the kids and house projects that I really haven't had time to sit and think at all. I enjoyed tooling down the road while my mind wandered away from me. The first part of the car trip actually evolved into a conversation with my kids about God and creation. It was so nice to sit in the car and talk with my kids away from TV's and more urgent activities. I need to make time like that more. It's sad that I have to strap them down for 3 hours in order to talk to them! It was such a beautiful day (although very hot) and the sunshine through my window did me some good.

So what did I think about? I feel so closely connected with God these days in a way I'm not sure I've ever felt. I found myself seeing part (emphasis on part) of the big picture. It's amazing what confidence comes over you when you know you are allowing yourself to listen to God in your day-to-day decisions. Looking back, I believe God has been leading me all the time. How can you live with regret in your heart if you are exactly who God wants you to be? Who am I to question His infinite wisdom? In our culture, it's so easy to get caught up in our busy lives that we forget the most basic things that we need like prayer and contemplation. So, if you're reading this post, I challenge you to think more and meditate on those questions or feelings you're having. It's well worth the time.

Sharing Time

I haven't written any poetry for a very long time. I found blogging around a year ago and along with my little paid writing gig, found a much needed outlet. I have missed poetry. I used to write a lot of poetry in college. I think that when you go through great changes, it is important to reflect on life and writing poetry is one way you can do that. Last night I wrote a poem in my head. It just appeared there - I didn't have to construct it - the words were just in there and I got out of bed and wrote them down. It's a good first effort from my long poetical hiatus. It sounds very sad and given my great mood today I was reluctant to share it - but I am anyway.

"Broken Bone"

It aches sometimes when I move, it

is not a sharp, screaming pain

that says, "Stop doing what you're doing

or you're going to break me again!"

No. It is a dull aching pain.

Some old, broken bone

that never healed right.

I can't remember how it happened.

It's just that it hurts.

Baxter started his new job two days ago. It wasn't the one he really wanted - that one was filled internally. He took a job he is way too overqualified for at Floor & Decor. I'm having lots of mixed feelings about it. I know it's a transitional job and that it's just a paycheck for now but I have a hard time living in transition. I like to get where I'm going, you know? It's also not a rewarding job or something he's really passionate about. So far, from what he's told me, it's boring and tedious. So, after all of his searching, he finally gets a job that doesn't pay much that is tedious and boring? I guess I'm disappointed. Plus, to make it worse - he had to be at work today at 8AM. I don't know if Sundays are going to always be this way but I'm really disappointed at this too. We just had a great time last week visiting Trinity Church and I really want to go back but I don't want to go alone w/ the kids. I'm just way too self-conscious to do that. So, here I am typing on my blog instead of getting ready for church while my husband is up in Kennesaw tying on an apron. What do I do with that?

This morning the toilet overflowed. Fun. I would normally call on Baxter to help me out and take care of it but I was able to fix it in under 5 minutes. I was marginally proud of myself. It also occurred to me that I need to be prepared to fix a lot more toilets with Baxter gone. I'm way too dependent on him. Here's today's list of things I am going to tackle without him here:

• kill the ant mounds
• purchase planting soil and plant herbs in the front
• buy paint for bunk beds and end tables
• buy materials for painting the outside of house
• look for butcher block for kitchen counter
• clean house
• finish laundry & ironing
• bake zucchini bread & apple tart
• plan dinner

Yeah...we'll see!

Reflection

I had many responses to the little girl in the street post. It is amazing to me how one incident can continue to impact your life long afterwards. Thank you for your thoughts and hopefully there will be more chapters in that story as they are revealed to me.

I am living in an increasingly small world these days. As I have said before, I don't believe in coincidences, so I have to ponder what the meaning is behind some of the things I see day-to-day. I feel God tugging me in this direction or that. I understand that it isn't always for us to know what the plan is and that I have to let go of my false sense of control. I seem to be doing that much easier these days. I feel like I can be truly present in the moment and I can worry less about what the future will bring. At the same time, I feel like something truly awesome is going to happen for us. It may be nothing I could possibly imagine right now, but I feel it. It may be an awesome job for Baxter, it may be the actualization of my small business, it may be seeing our dream home built or watching Ford or Abby do something surprising. It may be learning a life-lesson worth its' weight in gold. It may be a trial, something so life-changing that it can only be learned through difficulty. Tomorrow will reveal itself in time and for today, I will be joyful in anticipation of what's to come.

Smyrna - the Friendliest Place on Earth!

We recently moved into the oldest neighborhood in Smyrna - William's Park. It is a lovely area of town that is close to everything and full of charm. The William's Park Neighborhood Association Anniversary Picnic was to be held on Saturday. However, rain and the threat of severe weather postponed it until Sunday. After getting a late start, we made our appetizer, donned our picnic garb, and piled into the car and headed for Roswell Street. As we approached our destination, we noticed that nothing was set up where we thought it should be - but balloons were hung across the street. We followed the signs for parking and walked over to the party. We asked a nice older woman standing on the curb if this was indeed the neighborhood party, to which she replied, "yes - come on over!" I marched up the steps of the beautiful craftsman-style home and plunked my fried cheese down on the table next to chicken nuggets and fruit skewers. Since this was our very first event and we had not yet met anyone, we introduced ourselves to a few guests and we met the homeowners, Carl and Anna. I asked them how old their son was, directed the children to mind the busy street and helped myself to a generous portion of food and a glass of sangria. My husband Baxter had a beer. Nearly two hours passed before we found it necessary to venture inside the house. When I did, I noticed a cake and presents there. Hmmmm... Strange......We asked some new acquaintances about this and why they decided to move the party across the street. That's when we discovered that this particular party had nothing do do with The William's Park Neighbors. We had just crashed a one-year-old's birthday party!

After they finished singing "Happy Birthday" to the little darling, we ushered ourselves over to the hosts and had a real good laugh. Then, they offered us another glass of sangria. We have been in Smyrna just over a month now. Although I grew up here, I really had forgotten what a friendly place this was. What other city in the world would have been as welcoming and understanding in such a situation? So allow me to wish Trey a very Happy Birthday! Thank you once again to Carl and Anna for your amazing hospitality and thank you Smyrna for making us feel so at home!

The actual Williams Park Neighbors' annual party was held the following Saturday at the advertised location. It was fun and our party-crashing reputation preceded us. It's always good to make a splash...

Let Me Explain Something...

I had to do my brother a favor. I had to figure out how to download a video from youtube onto a DVD. Apparently, some rich guy's kids' private school class is going to do a dance at a parent night. All the moms wanted to learn the dance too and surprise their 5th graders by jumping up on stage during the performance and dancing along. The dance is called The Hoedown Throwdown and was created by musical genius Hannah Montana (can you hear the sarcasm, I hope so). Anyway, I spent a lot of time locating the tutorial on youtube and then trying different software to make his disc. It turned out great and in the meantime I also found a link where I could add it to my blog and I did it - just to see if it worked. I then forgot that it has been on here for a few days! So, just in case you were wondering why I had posted such a bizarre and un-me thing on the blog, that's the reason. Also, please feel free to have me locked away in some 1950's-style institution where they still perform electric shock therapy if I ever have the urge to do something as humiliating as these poor, poor women are about to do this evening.

Sacrifice & Blessing

Here's a list of items we have had to sell because we're so strapped for cash:

-Baby bedding (outgrew it anyway)
-Train Table (never played with it)
-Double Stroller (don't need it)
-Race Car bed (got bunk beds instead)
-Baxter's Rolex watch (replaced it with a very snazzy camo colored watch from Timex! Sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches!)
-Piaget watch left to us from Baxter's Grandmother (this one makes me a little sad)
-Gold & blue topaz ring (hated it, never wore it)
-My engagement ring (currently in consignment, I'm okay with it, at least I have diamonds on my wedding band!)

Here is a list of good things that happened to me in the past week:
-Got together with old friends and felt so very happy and blessed
-Discovered Space Bags, my new favorite thing in my tiny house
-Had an amazing talk with my husband last night about God, absolutely one of our best talks ever!
-Accidentally crashed a party on Sunday and made a bunch of new friends (I'll be writing about that soon)
-Baxter had a GREAT phone interview for a position with the company he really wants to work for, plus it's a senior-level exe. job - not entry level so if he gets it we will be financially stable again!!! His in-person interview is on Monday at 2PM. PLEASE pray that he will do well in his interview and come home with a new job! Abby prayed for Daddy to get a job today - that's enough to break your heart.

We have made a lot of sacrifices, but they are all material. We have never sacrificed our integrity or our character. We have handled our situation with our chins up and that counts for a lot. I am proud of my husband for his very strong spirit and I am proud of us for sticking it out through this very challenging time. Hopefully, God willing, our crisis will soon be over. Meanwhile, I know what I'm going to be doing tomorrow! National Day of Prayer - here I come!

One More Thing to Keep Up With...

I have been working on a blog about homeschooling and today I want to share it with the world! It's called PTO of One and it's just basically my way of organizing. I love the simple blogger format and find it much easier to use than other Word templates for organizing my thoughts. I have put up my first post and will continue to blog there throughout the Summer months about whatever educational things we are doing chez Crane. It's not much right now, but hopefully I will add links, pictures, and some really cool stuff as I blog along.

No Coincidence

I officially stopped believing in coincidences a long time ago. That said, a very powerful reminder of that happened to me today. There's a long backstory here, be patient...



A few months ago, we came to Atlanta from Athens for my brother's Christmas party. It was around 4:00 as we pulled off the main road and approached my parent's neighborhood when we had to stop behind 3 other cars. A van was in front of us and we couldn't tell what was going on. After the other cars pulled up a bit, we really became confused. There was a little girl (maybe 3?) in the road in her pajamas. I thought she had somehow gotten out of the car up ahead or something. Then it pulled off. I remember thinking to myself, "hey! You can't leave your kid in the street! What the heck is going on??" Then we pull up a little and she jumps right in front of our car with her hand held out for us to stop. Baxter and I looked at each other in amazement as she came around to his window. He rolled it down and she asks us, "'who are you?" We told her our names, asked her if she lived around here, and she replied, "yes." We pulled up onto another street and I got out of my car and walked over. As I was doing so, another car came through and left - that's FOUR PEOPLE who didn't stop to help a small child get off of a busy street!!!

I walked up to her and again asked her if she lived (pointing) right over there? She said that she did and I asked her if her mom and dad were home. She said something in toddler-talk that I couldn't understand and I then asked if I could meet her mom or dad. She took me by the hand and guided me to the front door of her house where the door was cracked open. The whole time, I'm thinking to myself, "these people probably have no idea she slipped out and they are going to be so shocked and thankful that I got her back home safe!" Then she opens the door wide and I see a woman lying on the livingroom floor. A big part of me thought that she was dead - or comatose - or hurt - my heart sank. She walked in and started shaking her and saying "mama," and she didn't get up. Finally - movement. Relief! Okay, she's not dead! Yay! She seemed really stupefied, confused and strange. Then I noticed the bad smell in the house and wondered why she would be asleep on the floor in the middle of the afternoon. I told her what her little girl had been doing and that "I just wanted to make sure she was safe." She didn't say a word, just looked at me funny and shut the door in my face. I walked back to the car shaken and confused, recanted the story to Baxter and then to my parents when we arrived.

My mom told me that I had to report it. I didn't want to. Who wants to be the nosy whistle-blower right before Christmas and everything? I hesitated...and then I called the police. I explained it all to them, gave my information, and that was that. He said they would send someone - whatever that means - and I never knew what happened. I did find out some information later that weekend that the mother is a possible drug addict. Heavy, heavy heart.

Today, I went to my parents' house with the kids. As we left the neighborhood, I see the house and I started thinking about all of that again. I had a lot of questions. Where is the little girl? I wonder if her mother is on drugs? Maybe she got help. Maybe they took her away. Maybe they didn't. Maybe I was wrong to call. Maybe I was right.

Strangely enough (I know someone out there will appreciate this one) "Revelation" by Third Day was playing on my radio as I drove down the road and suddenly, in the midst of my mind's wonderings, I thought we needed to postpone our snack and head to Cobb park. I asked the kids and they agreed an impromptu park visit was a great idea. I have never done this before. We went past the turn to our house and headed to the park. As we walked from our car to the playground, I saw one person before I saw anyone else: the mother from that day. I look around through the crowd and there is the little girl! I was astonished! It was like I was so focused on her that somehow my own personal GPS tracked her down!

I took it as a sign - but I wasn't sure what kind of a sign it was. I decided to sit down behind the woman and just watch the kids play. Of course, Abby and Ford start playing with her immediately. They don't remember her but I will never forget her face. She seems happy enough. I start to think to myself that maybe God wanted to show me that she's okay. I hoped that maybe somehow I had made a difference in her life. Maybe I have - I have no way of really knowing. The child's grandmother is there and so is another smaller child, presumably her little sister. I watch and listen. Unfortunately, I think the earlier assessment is correct - I think she is a drug user. I won't go into all of the details here but I'm pretty good at reading between the lines. I don't believe in coincidence. I was the only person who stopped to help. It has bothered me ever since. I was lead to that playground. But why?

1. God is showing me that He is in charge. If he can show me answers so instantly - control my very routine so quickly - then who am I to worry about my own family? He is in control and He is taking care of us.

2. God will use me for his own purposes when He will. As long as I am receptive to being led by Him and always willing to see where I can make a difference, He will continue to use me in any way I am able to be helpful.

3. I can't know everything. For the things that I can't control and the situations that make my heart heavy (especially those times when I don't know the whole story), I need to pray and trust God.

4. I am blessed. I kissed Ford and sat and thought about how blessed I am. Yeah, we may not have much money right now and I feel a little bit tossed by the waves at the moment, but I have everything in the world to be thankful for.

If you read this whole thing, bless your heart! Had to get it all out!

Georgia Memorial

I went to WalMart again yesterday. I hate going there but it's a very difficult place to completely avoid. I needed more allergy medicine for the kids, cat food, a plug for the sink, avocados and basil. Where else am I going to find all of that stuff under one roof? Anyway, this WalMart is a little different than my old one. It sits directly across from the Georgia Memorial Cemetary where my sister Jan is buried. It's just a stone's throw from my house but I don't think about it unless I go through that intersection. Since we moved, I have passed it many times. I passed it on April 7th, the day my sister passed away. I was on the way somewhere and it just dawned on me what day it was. I didn't go but I started thinking about going. After several more passes, I decided to go yesterday. I took the kids with me and they had never been before. There are no flowers there. My mom used to always make sure there were flowers there but lately it has been very difficult for her to go. I don't know the last time she went. Abby was very touched by all that she learned. I explained about her heart condition and that her heart just finally gave out. I told them how little I was when it happened. I also told Abby that Jan would have loved her hot-pink t-shirt with the black guitar on it. She was a rock-n-roll chick and hot-pink was her favorite color. We are going to go back in the next few days with flowers. I hated seeing an empty vase. Abby wants to take daisies. I think Jan would like that. I wish she could have known my kids. I miss my big sister.

So Much More Than A Great Day

Do you ever have those days when you truly feel blessed in ways you weren't expecting? Like God has taken a shine to you and He deserves more than just the standard "Grace" at table? Today was one of those days for me and my family. We were invited to the neighborhood picnic at Durham park. This cute little park for strolling is one block from our new house. At 12:30, we walked up to a gathering that included nearly every family that lives within the Spring Street Village development, as well as a few others. All of them are around our age and most have small children. There were at least four boys Ford's age and two 8 year-old girls who loved Abby. The food was delicious and we made a lot of new friends. We were there for 4 hours! I even knew one neighbor already - she was Mandy's roommate freshman year. Small world, huh? I have never felt so welcomed in any neighborhood before. There is a true sense of community and fellowship here and it is refreshing and encouraging. God is definitely showing us that we belong!

Mi Casa Poquito

Did I spell that right? I took French but, let's face it, everyone knows a little Espanol these days. Well, we're in our house! Moving was much more difficult than we anticipated. We are older and flabbier and lifting stuff is hard. Back when Baxter and I were dating, I broke my foot. While on crutches just a few weeks later, I had to move out of my house. You see, it is difficult to earn a living as a waitress with a broken foot...So, I needed to move to a cheaper place for a while. I packed boxes seated in a chair. I hopped around and organized. Even at 22, I had a lot of stuff. I had to have a lot of help from friends and family to get it all done and it was tough. However, moving with a broken foot at 22 is still not as difficult as moving with two tired feet at 32.

The good news: everything that I wanted to fit in this little house has fit! Our kitchen is unpacked and I made pancakes for breakfast this morning. It is starting to feel like home.

The bad news: we can never buy anything else again!!! We are so tightly packed in here that I am even pondering the addition of a fruit bowl for the table. You know your space is small when you think long and hard about buying one bowl.

The good news: our plumbing is fixed so we can shower here now and the roof is no longer leaking (yes there are two stories there - but I am just too busy to go into all of that)

The bad news: our phone line says it's busy every time it rains.

The good news: I have bought groceries so the kids won't starve. I even bought some microwave popcorn!

The bad news: we don't have a microwave yet...

The good news: we like cozy.

The bad news: we might get tired of cozy pretty fast!

So, I still have to finish putting our bedrooms together and that might take a while. We like the house and we love our new neighbors. In fact, Jared and Anna have already invited us to church with them! How nice is that? I think we'll be very happy here and if it stops raining, that would be even better. Okay, time to go put away toys...

My Week In Review

What can you do in four days? I am proud to say that we can do A LOT in four days. Our house is coming along. We finished painting the kitchen, painted the utility room, our bedroom, both exterior doors and all of the trim. My wonderful brother painted the livingroom before we arrived. I love the colors we used. We also laid laminate flooring in the kitchen, put new moulding in the kitchen and livingroom, hung up all of the shades, applied privacy film to one window, lined all of the kitchen shelves and drawers, began plumbing the utility room, updated some electrical outlets, and cleared out everything for the final preparations. Needless to say, I was very tired when we got back last night.

We have a few things left to do. Later this week, we plan on leaving one of our cars there. I will transport our china cabinet and breakables then. We will also be painting two floors and refinishing a third floor. We still have to construct the kids bunk beds. My brother is going to begin that before we get back and Baxter will probably help him finish it up.

Let me again mention the extreme support and love of my family during this time. My parents have been working overtime watching the kids while I worked on the house. My mom has cooked us endless meals and settled many sibling disputes. For a woman of 76, I know it is harder than she is willing to admit. My dad has the patience of Job! He has taught Ford and Abby how to play cards. Ford says it is his favorite game. He was very content to sit for hours with his "Papa-Don" and play card games while Abby played Barbies or other girly stuff. Seeing the two of them bond has been so heart-warming to me because my kids have never really had the chance to spend much time with my parents. If for no other reason, this is making the importance of our move so apparent to me. My brother's youngest daughter, Jordan, has also been so helpful. She has volunteered her time and watched over them every chance she had. I think I need to do something special for her. Actually, I really need to do something special for all of them! I could write a whole post on my brother's contributions alone. He has been an absolute angel.

We move in 6 days! I can't believe it! Time to pack...

Joy In Transit

Our official moving date is set!! March 28th!! Yes, I realize that's only 10 days from now but we've done so much to prepare for it already. We're taking some things now and over the weekend in preparation such as artwork, window treatments and such. I may go ahead and bring my china cabinet because the curved glass is so expensive to replace, I'd like to make sure it survives the move! The house needs to be move-in ready after this weekend. That gives us Monday-Friday to pack everything. Since this is the 7th or 8th time I've moved, packing is really just a chore - not so daunting as it used to be.

I have scheduled our phone, internet, satellite and such for transfer & installation to the new homestead. I have forwarded our mail. Today we sold the train table and Ford's racecar toddler-bed. So, we're preparing in big and little ways. There is a big part of me that likes moving (obviously - since I've done it so many times). The excitement is starting to take over and I'm so ready to be out of Athens and back home. The jonquils are blooming - it's a great time to be back in Atlanta! I probably won't take the time to post here until after we're all settled in. I'm sure moving will give me lots to write about!!

Rain, Rain, Go Away

I know we're still under Level IV drought restrictions in Georgia, but man am I tired of rain. The drastic weather changes have really slowed down our attempts to work on the house and now I'm afraid that we're going to have to move in without having everything finished! Oh, well, could be worse! What do you do with your kids on a rainy day? To tell the truth, I have often been guilty of just letting them climb the walls until bedtime arrived. However, life is easier (and more fun) if I make an effort to plan some rainy day activities with them. Here is a list of ideas:

-Have a library day! My kids love to visit our local branch and pick out books, play games on the computer and play a Dr. Seuss game on one of the big tables.
-Bake together! Have a bag of chocolate chips on hand? Bake some cookies and teach measuring, following directions and get rewarded with several warm and gooey treats at the end.
-Teach little ones nursery rhymes like "Rain, Rain, Go Away" and practice singing them.
-Build a fort! Gather together a few big blankets and whatever chairs or other supports you have around and let your kids build the perfect indoor fort in which to giggle with flashlights, tell ghost stories and use their imaginations.
-Make something for someone else! Write a letter or make a card for someone your kids know. If you know someone going through a tough time, a small child-engineered craft will brighten their day like nothing else.
-Plan your Spring garden! Use these rainy early days of Spring to plan your garden. Get out seed catalogues or use the Internet to let your kids see all of the possibilities. Even if you're just planting a few things around the mailbox, your kids will get really into it.
-Have a pajama day! If you have nowhere else to be, why bother dressing? Keep your kids comfy in their pj's and stay warm and dry. Turn on a favorite movie, pop some popcorn and enjoy each other.
-Get wet! If it's not too cold and you have cabin fever, put on your rainboots and slickers and find some good puddles! Your kids will never forget the day you let them splash to their heart's content.

These are just a few of the ways you can make a rainy day fun! If you have any more suggestions, please leave a comment!

Nap Day? Yeah, Right!

So, what did you do on National Take a Nap Day? (In case you hadn't heard, that was Monday March 9th.) Well, I guess you can call me a non-observer. I started painting the Smyrna house at 10AM and we finally stopped around 10:30PM. Granted, we took 5 min. to scarf down some Wendy's for lunch and headed to my Mom's for dinner, which took about 45 min. Still, it was a long, hard day of work. We were pretty much doing the same thing on Sunday too. We had a very productive trip and are mostly finished painting. We painted the kids room first. That took a little longer because we decided to prime and paint all of the built in cabinets too. That is a chore but the transformation was a-mazing. Somewhere near the end of that, we primed and painted the bathroom. We came back after dinner and painted the kitchen (including the ceiling) and some cabinets that are going in our room. Now that the back of the house is finished, Baxter can lay floor on our next trip while I paint our bedroom and the livingroom. As always, my brother was a huge help. Not only does he own every tool and device known to man (and I thought our collection was pretty good!) but he is also eager to use them! Thanks Jim! We're here for a couple of days to get caught up on work and take care of our cats and then it's back to Smyrna! I'll keep posting and hopefully remember to take pictures next time!

Just Plain Joy

We have a lot going on right now! We are going to be moving soon, we haven't started packing yet, and we still have a lot to finish at the new house. Of course, my boss has decided to go ahead and give me two months of writing in one week during this very busy time! Don't get me wrong, I need the work - but WOW it's a challenge. With all of the stress we've been under, it would be very easy to forget the little things that we need every day. I know that I need a certain number of minutes for myself. I know that I need a little bit of sunshine if I can get it. I know that I need to laugh and play with my children and I also need to talk to people and spend time on the relationships that God has blessed me with. The problem is, when life gets busy, these types of things are usually the first to go.

Well, right when I probably would have started slacking off in these areas, God gave me a snow day - two, in fact. After about half of our 7 inches fell, we put the kids in their snow gear, donned our rubber boots and headed out to play. We threw snowballs, attempted a snowman, watched the dogs run around like they were puppies again and Baxter and I felt like kids again. We only came in for Cocoa and Baxter built us a fire.

Just as I was in the middle of preparing Brunswick Stew, the power went out. Now I'm not going to sit here and complain about my power being out for a while - even though at the time I saw it as very inconvenient. I couldn't get any of my work done and my kids couldn't play either of the new Wii games we rented. Even dinner preparation would be a little taxing. But I am NOT going to complain! I wrapped the pot in aluminium foil and we stuck it outside on the gas eye. It cooked itself beautifully. I dug out the candles and we all played Yatzee. Before the kids camped out together, we made shadow puppets and I told them a story that I made up about ancient dogs roaming around the earth. It was very, very fun. Then, like magic, the power was back on in the early morning. We heated our house back up again, made a nice, hot oatmeal breakfast with coffee and washed all the dishes. Then, around 10:30, the power went out again. This time, it was out all day. Baxter kept the fire going and we were all warm in our sweaters. We had sloppy joes heated up outside for lunch. I read my new book ALL DAY. The kids looked at books and played quietly. It was so lovely and serene. I even took a NAP. That is so unheard of, you don't even know. Then, like magic, the power was restored around 5 O'Clock. Our lives returned to normal, the hustle and bustle began again. Laundry had to be done and routines had to be reestablished.

The snow day was not an inconvenience at all. It made me remember that things like packing, painting, work - it can all wait. What remains important today will always be important. Sometimes God has to give us a snow day to remind us to take things easy, to enjoy our blessings. Those two days prepared my heart for the hard work ahead. Thank you so much, Lord, for giving them to me!

Silly Things That Perk Me Up

Here are some funny list-type things that I thought you might like...





This is from Facebook and it was so completely hilarious when I tried it that I had to share. Okay, the premise is that you go to Google, type your name and the word needs {ex. Joy needs} into the searchbox. Then, you list the first 10 things that come up. Then, you tag 10 people to do it also. Here's my list:







1. Joy needs tragedy.



2. Joy needs a better understanding of the nature of evil.



3. Joy needs to take a lesson and step to the back of the line.



4. [Bill] Joy, cofounder and chief scientist of sun microsystems...



5. Joy needs to leave her office.



6. Joy still needs $78,000!!!



7. Joy makers needs your help.



8. Joy needs no translator.



9. Joy needs prayers.



10. 5 warning signs that you need more joy or a sense of magic in your life.







I did Baxter too because it really cracked me up -







1. Baxter needs to be institutionalised.



2. Baxter needs integrity.



3. Baxter needs luv.



4. Baxter needs a loving home.



5. Baxter is a wonderful dog.



6. Baxter needs growth infusion.



7. Baxter needs a home and other books.



8. Baxter needs to share this stick.



9. Baxter has become a regular couch potato.



10. Baxter needs a home video on AOL.





Okay, next one - this is also from FB. "Album Cover Meme"





1 - Go to "wikipedia." Hit “random." The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.





2 - Go to www.thequotationspage.com/random The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.





3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days." Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.





4 - Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.





Here goes...





The name of my band is Zane Clark


The title of our first album is That is the Body of Man


Here is my album cover---



http://www.flickr.com/photos/fotobrasil/3295552019/

I think my band is European Pop/Techno. Weird!

I am the first one to do this and I want to tag a few folks...how about 5? Jennifer Carr, Jen Curtis, Mandy, Andrea, Melissa. This was a much needed diversion for me today! Take a few minutes and try one or both of these.