2 Days Until Lift-Off

After my last post, I felt much relieved. So, I'm hoping this post will have the same effect. That next day - Friday and Saturday in fact - things seemed strangely normal. Then, the bottom dropped out. In fact, after two nights of stress and rehashing all of the circumstances surrounding my father's death, I reached the end of my rope. Actually, to borrow a runner's term, I hit the wall...hard. Yesterday it was actually difficult to get out of bed. Today, I got out of bed but had to lay down again after lunch when I started having a panic attack. I know that I sound like a complete crazy person as I type this. Maybe I am. I have never felt this emotionally messed up in my whole life.

What triggered the panic attack? Several small things sent my heart racing and before I knew it, I was in fight or flight mode. One bill that is due, one phone call unanswered, and a list of things to do that is 3 miles long and 5 miles wide. Apparently that is enough to send me back to bed today. So, have I become that person who everyone walks on egg-shells around because I might cry or stop functioning for 3 days? Guess so. I actually contemplated medication yesterday. My only hesitation is the fact that I would have to curtail New Year's Eve champagne if I went on anti-depressants and by God I've earned the right to kick 2009's ass with a toast to the next year. So, I just have to get through the next 2-3 days and I'll be fine, right?

The truly ironic thing about this anxiety I'm having is that I have actually gotten a lot done today. I went through all of Ford's clothes and cleaned out from under his bed. I also cleaned my stove and cleaned out the refrigerator. I started my meal planning for Thursday and started dusting. Why do I feel so crappy then? Why do I feel like the laziest slob on the planet? What do I have left today? I am going to finish the laundry and write an 11 minute script for Lincoln. If I can manage that, plus make dinner, I will have basically finished my list. Why then all the anxiety? It must me unrelated to the "doings" of Christmas. There's an invisible source of stress and worry that I can't put my finger on.

I'm going to try and untangle it. Okay, at Christmas, I always feel like a kid again. In fact, I remind myself to be a kid again with pictures from Christmas past on the mantle, toys under the tree, and a host of crafting activities and lights to see. Maybe I am struggling with this because at the time of year when I most want to be a kid again, I have lost my dad. I feel grown up in the worst of ways. Well, if that's it, there's no fixing it. I just have to plow ahead. So, back to my list. Back to the planning, the cleaning, the cooking and the "merriment". Perhaps Christmas itself will be enough of a distraction to bring the joy back into it - no pun intended. I probably won't post again until I need to vent. So, if you've read this whole thing, bless you. I promise that soon I will have a funny story or uplifting observation. Right now, I'm just counting down to Christmas like everybody else.