It's really not a cliche. I really do have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for a husband who is still growing. I would hate to feel like I was chained down to someone who never changed, never opened his heart, his mind, or tried anything new. I love that my husband can evolve to meet life's demands and come out on the other side better for the struggle.
I'm thankful that my children are healthy and that each night, my greatest fear is that they will have a bad dream. They have never missed a meal, a hug, or a step along the way. Not only are they thriving, but God gave them each such beauty and talents that I have every confidence that they can truly reach for the stars.
This year, I am thankful to have a roof over my head and a husband with a good job.
I am thankful for a family that has given me everything they could in every circumstance. My parents modeled sacrifice and unconditional love. They taught me where to keep my priorities and where true happiness comes from.
I am thankful that I have a real heavenly Father. I am thankful that even when I felt far away, He was always near and that before I could forgive myself, He had already forgiven me.
I am thankful for seeds planted that have slumbered under the earth, and for the steady rain and rich soil that allowed them to sprout up into the sunshine. I am thankful for promises, hope and future blessings, whatever they may be.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Ramble On...
So, today was the busiest day I've probably ever had and it all stressed me out. We started early this morning, getting ready for soccer. Ford's end-of-season-party was donuts and cocoa before his last game - laid back and wonderful. His team won. No, we're not supposed to keep score, but with Alajandro on the team, it's fun to keep score.
Lunch at Decoeur de France. There are no words to describe how perfectly delicious everything was. Baxter: smoked salmon eggs benedict. Kids: Croque Monseiurs. Me: goat cheese and green onion omelet with croissant and homemade preserves. Plus, 2 orders of the most amazing hash browns you'll ever taste, one crepe with strawberries and one crepe with nutella to split. Oh, and we also took home chocolate eclairs that we ate in the car because we're total pigs!
Costume change #2, then Abby's last soccer game. They also won - yay! I love our soccer teams. The parents are all awesome and the kids are all really genuine, silly, fun kids. Too bad my kids don't like to play soccer!! I am not pushing them. I don't do that. But at what point do you say, "you know, I don't want to pay for this anymore if you're not going to run..."
Stevi B's is a crappy, crappy place. I'll never go there again. It's like Cici's Pizza, but worse. We paid for tokens for the "arcade" and most of the games took quarters. The cheese could not have been real. I wonder what it was made of.
Not all trophies are created equal. Abby's looks like a lesbian. Why can't they find a cute girl to put on top of the girls trophies instead of a man with boobs? Abby doesn't have boobs. And she doesn't look like a man. Next time, I'm going to suggest one with a soccer ball on top.
Costume change #3 & Abby went to her first sleepover. It's 11:30 and she hasn't called me, so I guess she's okay. Wow. That feels like a milestone.
I love that we can walk over to our neighbors' house and hang out. Fun night. Words of wisdom part 2: I can sing karaoke but I can't sing just any song. I need to work on my song selection. I need to channel my inner Simon Cowell.
My house is a wreck. I agree with Jen. I don't like to do chores. The only thing I like doing is purging. I could totally be that Clean House lady.
I love google. I'm good at it. It's all in the wrist. Right now, in my search box are the words (from earlier) "red spot in eye white." I love that I can instantly find out that Ford doesn't need to go to the doctor. If it weren't for google, they'd have banned me from the office long ago.
I'm a terrible dancer, although I sometimes do it anyway. I would love to take ballroom with Baxter if only he would. Debbie Gibson's "Out of the Blue" was one of my favorites and I can still sing all the words to most of it. I used to dance to it too. I had a beret that I liked wearing. I remember tearing holes in my jeans and drawing a face on my knee just like the album cover. I'm pretty sure I also pulled my shirt off my shoulder for this particular look. She's probably the reason I always wanted tousled/curly hair.
Older men are sexy. I love that Baxter has a few years on me. I love it that his hair is a little "salty" here and there but that he still looks really young for his age. It's like knowing a secret all the time.
I almost named Abby "Alice" and I kind of wish I had from time to time, although Abigail is nice. If I had another boy, I would name him James after my dad. If I had another girl, I might also name her Jaymes.
On Thursday, the kids and I painted pictures on canvas outside. We were trying to be Impressionists. It was fun. I'm like Matisse in his use of bold colors and distinct lines. I like my painting and secretly think I could probably have been an artist. Maybe I'll be like Grandma Moses.
I'm very busy and life is very good. I have moments, like while we were painting, when I feel like I'm just basking in the sun. But most of the time, I'm a little blue. I am wearing black and I feel like wearing black. I feel dark and somber despite the goodness around me. Is it too early to be longing for spring?
Lunch at Decoeur de France. There are no words to describe how perfectly delicious everything was. Baxter: smoked salmon eggs benedict. Kids: Croque Monseiurs. Me: goat cheese and green onion omelet with croissant and homemade preserves. Plus, 2 orders of the most amazing hash browns you'll ever taste, one crepe with strawberries and one crepe with nutella to split. Oh, and we also took home chocolate eclairs that we ate in the car because we're total pigs!
Costume change #2, then Abby's last soccer game. They also won - yay! I love our soccer teams. The parents are all awesome and the kids are all really genuine, silly, fun kids. Too bad my kids don't like to play soccer!! I am not pushing them. I don't do that. But at what point do you say, "you know, I don't want to pay for this anymore if you're not going to run..."
Stevi B's is a crappy, crappy place. I'll never go there again. It's like Cici's Pizza, but worse. We paid for tokens for the "arcade" and most of the games took quarters. The cheese could not have been real. I wonder what it was made of.
Not all trophies are created equal. Abby's looks like a lesbian. Why can't they find a cute girl to put on top of the girls trophies instead of a man with boobs? Abby doesn't have boobs. And she doesn't look like a man. Next time, I'm going to suggest one with a soccer ball on top.
Costume change #3 & Abby went to her first sleepover. It's 11:30 and she hasn't called me, so I guess she's okay. Wow. That feels like a milestone.
I love that we can walk over to our neighbors' house and hang out. Fun night. Words of wisdom part 2: I can sing karaoke but I can't sing just any song. I need to work on my song selection. I need to channel my inner Simon Cowell.
My house is a wreck. I agree with Jen. I don't like to do chores. The only thing I like doing is purging. I could totally be that Clean House lady.
I love google. I'm good at it. It's all in the wrist. Right now, in my search box are the words (from earlier) "red spot in eye white." I love that I can instantly find out that Ford doesn't need to go to the doctor. If it weren't for google, they'd have banned me from the office long ago.
I'm a terrible dancer, although I sometimes do it anyway. I would love to take ballroom with Baxter if only he would. Debbie Gibson's "Out of the Blue" was one of my favorites and I can still sing all the words to most of it. I used to dance to it too. I had a beret that I liked wearing. I remember tearing holes in my jeans and drawing a face on my knee just like the album cover. I'm pretty sure I also pulled my shirt off my shoulder for this particular look. She's probably the reason I always wanted tousled/curly hair.
Older men are sexy. I love that Baxter has a few years on me. I love it that his hair is a little "salty" here and there but that he still looks really young for his age. It's like knowing a secret all the time.
I almost named Abby "Alice" and I kind of wish I had from time to time, although Abigail is nice. If I had another boy, I would name him James after my dad. If I had another girl, I might also name her Jaymes.
On Thursday, the kids and I painted pictures on canvas outside. We were trying to be Impressionists. It was fun. I'm like Matisse in his use of bold colors and distinct lines. I like my painting and secretly think I could probably have been an artist. Maybe I'll be like Grandma Moses.
I'm very busy and life is very good. I have moments, like while we were painting, when I feel like I'm just basking in the sun. But most of the time, I'm a little blue. I am wearing black and I feel like wearing black. I feel dark and somber despite the goodness around me. Is it too early to be longing for spring?
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Healing Well
Today was a great day. I said yesterday that I needed just one great day and I guess God was listening. I baked pumpkin bread last night and dropped off a loaf of it on my mom's doorstep on the way to soccer. Baxter was finishing up his 10K in Peachtree City as we headed over there. Soccer this morning was better than average with all the sunshine and the surprise return of Baxter a little ahead of schedule. Then, we did a little housework, picked up lunch and headed to my mother's. Eating with her seems to cheer her up a lot. It is nice for her not to have to make anything since she was a "short order cook" for so long. We had a nice lunch and then the kids started playing. Of course, they never want to leave if Jordan is over there. We ended up over there for most of the afternoon and all evening. While Baxter and my brother tried to fix our broken hot water heater, the kids and I raked my mom's yard. The last time I blew off the driveway and sidewalk was on the day daddy died. Actually, that is what I was doing the moment he died.
If you didn't know my dad, you wouldn't know that raking leaves and tinkering around the yard was one of his favorite things. The neighbors would always see him outside raking through the Fall. It might have taken him all day to do one little area, but he was out there - getting his "exercise." That day, I was deep in thought, thinking about the fact that my dad was in bed and I was blowing the leaves instead of him. I was actually doing it for him - so that we could get him into the car without worrying about acorns and sticks tripping us up. I was also wondering what the doctors would tell us once we got him to the hospital. My brother pulled up as I was finishing, went inside briefly and then hurried home to change so we could take him. I was turning off the leaf blower when Ford came running down to tell me that "Papa Don isn't breathing." I dropped it and ran, got into the room and tried to take his vital signs. Once I realized there was no pulse, I started CPR and told the kids to run and get Uncle Jimbo. He arrived in a minute and I told him to call 911. There was some shock and confusion. It took both of us a minute to react. First me, coming in from the leaves. Then him, unsure that he was hearing what I had just said. He called. They arrived. He was gone before they got there. I imagine that he was above me briefly as I performed his usual chore. I think he knew we would all be there to take care of things now - that he didn't have to worry about these earthly things anymore.
Today as I walked that path and cleared it once again, I did not feel any sadness. I felt an extreme sense of oneness with creation, with duty, with family, and with God. The kids helped me rake with his rakes, the leaves that he would have been happily raking - and I was happy to rake them as I've never been happy to rake before! They jumped in the big crispy piles and laughed so joyously that I considered bruising my own behind with a jump in the pile. But, knowing my high rate of injury whenever I try to act like a kid again, decided against it. Besides, just watching them was wonderful enough. I do miss my daddy not being there but what I have here is so great. God is so great. His blessings are great and even though today was not particularly special, it was a great day.
If you didn't know my dad, you wouldn't know that raking leaves and tinkering around the yard was one of his favorite things. The neighbors would always see him outside raking through the Fall. It might have taken him all day to do one little area, but he was out there - getting his "exercise." That day, I was deep in thought, thinking about the fact that my dad was in bed and I was blowing the leaves instead of him. I was actually doing it for him - so that we could get him into the car without worrying about acorns and sticks tripping us up. I was also wondering what the doctors would tell us once we got him to the hospital. My brother pulled up as I was finishing, went inside briefly and then hurried home to change so we could take him. I was turning off the leaf blower when Ford came running down to tell me that "Papa Don isn't breathing." I dropped it and ran, got into the room and tried to take his vital signs. Once I realized there was no pulse, I started CPR and told the kids to run and get Uncle Jimbo. He arrived in a minute and I told him to call 911. There was some shock and confusion. It took both of us a minute to react. First me, coming in from the leaves. Then him, unsure that he was hearing what I had just said. He called. They arrived. He was gone before they got there. I imagine that he was above me briefly as I performed his usual chore. I think he knew we would all be there to take care of things now - that he didn't have to worry about these earthly things anymore.
Today as I walked that path and cleared it once again, I did not feel any sadness. I felt an extreme sense of oneness with creation, with duty, with family, and with God. The kids helped me rake with his rakes, the leaves that he would have been happily raking - and I was happy to rake them as I've never been happy to rake before! They jumped in the big crispy piles and laughed so joyously that I considered bruising my own behind with a jump in the pile. But, knowing my high rate of injury whenever I try to act like a kid again, decided against it. Besides, just watching them was wonderful enough. I do miss my daddy not being there but what I have here is so great. God is so great. His blessings are great and even though today was not particularly special, it was a great day.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Great.
Well, maybe I'm not doing that great. Tonight at dinner, I suddenly felt like all the food I had swallowed (which was about 6-8 bites) was stuck somewhere on its way down. I stood up, took a couple of breaths, bent over, tried to swallow, and felt like my chest was going to explode! I excused myself, headed to the bathroom and threw up. I felt a lot better after that although I still feel a dull pain in my chest.
Apparently, this is something called Esophageal Spasm. Known causes are vague, but anxiety is thought to trigger it. So, great. I'm not about to go call a doctor tomorrow and get a Rx for anti-anxiety or depression med as the web sites I checked suggested. I need to, however, deal with my stress more effectively. So, I'm prescribing yoga for myself tomorrow. I may also turn off my phone. I may also sleep until 9:30. Then perhaps a long walk?? Any other suggestions??
Apparently, this is something called Esophageal Spasm. Known causes are vague, but anxiety is thought to trigger it. So, great. I'm not about to go call a doctor tomorrow and get a Rx for anti-anxiety or depression med as the web sites I checked suggested. I need to, however, deal with my stress more effectively. So, I'm prescribing yoga for myself tomorrow. I may also turn off my phone. I may also sleep until 9:30. Then perhaps a long walk?? Any other suggestions??
S-Mother
I am trying not to smother my mother right now. She has been beautiful since the passing of my dad. The only exception is in the food department. 54 years of marriage is a long time to make the same breakfast every day. She will have to adjust to living alone in many ways. I'm sure sleeping alone is going to continue to be difficult for some time. Thankfully, she is not having any trouble sleeping through the night. Being alone all day is going to be lonely at times. Hopefully, she will find new ways to fill her days. I have been taking care of a lot of her food for the last two weeks, sending her leftovers, inviting her for meals, and supplying her with ideas for breakfast that don't involve making eggs, grits, sausage and biscuits - for one. Still, I am worried that I'm over-doing it. I know she's perfectly capable of taking care of herself. I know she needs time to be alone to process and heal. I just want to make sure I'm doing everything she needs during this adjustment period. I call on the way to the store to see if I can pick her up anything. I offer to do things constantly. Perhaps I'm doing too much. I don't want her to feel completely smothered by me. I need to pray in this department over the coming days and weeks.
Lord, help me to know what my mother's needs are. Help me to
anticipate them so that she will not have to ask. Help me to know when to
leave her be so that I do not create any undue tension between us. Help me
teach my kids throughout this process so that they may learn a new aspect of
love through me. Continue to bring all of us healing and comfort
throughout the coming months.
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