Journal - 10/26

Well, I'm still pretty down. I don't feel as distracted anymore so I guess the shock is starting to wear off. Now, normal activities feel like distractions. Last night, we watched America's Funniest Videos which had me rolling with laughter with the kids. After that, we all watched Extreme Home Makeover and got to cry for joyful reasons. That can be therapeutic. After that, we watched Grey's Anatomy off the Tivo. I'm not sure medical dramas are the way to go right now, what with the death and hospitals and all. It was somewhat distracting, mixed with images of my dad lying on a stretcher and the last words we spoke to each other. After that, we watched Modern Family, a new show that I really love. I really couldn't laugh out loud at that and I think by then, my emotions were growing more sad. Baxter and I talked for a few minutes in bed. Once I remove the distraction (i.e., TV), I have to deal with the feelings that were suspended during the distraction. I cried again. Not for a long time, but they were irrepressible tears. I feel a sense of loss that is quite depressing and sad. I really hope I can work through all of my feelings myself, bit it's possible I may need to go to some grief counseling.

Today has been better than yesterday. The kids and I slept until 9:15 so that tells you how wiped out we've been. We had breakfast and dug into our lesson plan from last week. The beauty of homeschooling is that you can just readjust your schedule at will and your kids don't miss anything in the learning process. We had a very productive morning and then had lunch at 1:00. I can't eat much. I only ate half a bagel for breakfast and half a fried egg sandwich for lunch. I know I need more sustenance than that, but it's just the way my body responds to stress. Some people eat more, I eat less. I think I might buy some nutritional supplement bars to eat early in the day instead of picking at regular food. I need to take care of my body's basic requirements if I expect to start feeling better.

After lessons, I felt almost normal. My energy seemed good and I felt like my old self. Then, when I couldn't finish my sandwich, I just felt awful again. It's so pretty outside and I know I need some sunshine. I think I will finish picking up the house and then head outside to play with the kids. I know I'll get through this, I just need to take it one step at a time. Today, I introduced routine back into my life. But at the same time, I know that nothing will ever be just like it was before.