Today is just an average day. I have chores to do and work to finish. I have homework to help Abby with and a play-date tomorrow to prepare for. There is nothing special about today at all except the date. One year ago, my dad passed away. I think I've moved on and have handled it very well these past twelve months. However, last night I woke up at 4 and could not go back to sleep. Nothing particular was on my mind, except today's date. That alone kept me awake for two and a half hours.
It is hard to explain what I feel like today. I'm not depressed although you might assume so given my old sweatsuit I'm wearing right now. I guess I'm just blue. Losing him was tough. The way it all happened didn't make it any easier. I can't even see a commercial for CPR classes without thinking about those moments and I can't use a leaf blower without thinking about my son running to tell me he had stopped breathing.
I fear my mother's death more than ever. I talk to her daily and we discuss politics, religion, family, cooking and life in general. My mother and I don't delight in small talk. This year, her opinions have gotten more black and white, and her ability to talk about difficult personal issues has grown dim. I think that perhaps she fears her death as well. Her twin sister died last Wednesday. She was my namesake and the reason I wanted to change my name for most of my childhood. She was a terrible person and a terrible sister to my mom. She did not attend the funeral. Still, just knowing about her death at this particular time brings a lot of things to mind.
All of the excitement of the summer and the busy days of early fall have given way to a broader sense of sadness now. I wonder if it is just for a day, or longer. I felt this way at Christmas last year - just like I'm no fun anymore. I feel so un-fun that I can't imagine other people wanting to do anything with me. Even Joy can't fake joy. People can tell.
So here I am at my most cathartic. Spewing all of this out online for what reason I can't tell you, except that it makes me feel a little better than I did before I sat down. Now I need to get up from my desk, change clothes, and get on with my day. Abby has a piano lesson. I need to start their Halloween costumes. Tomorrow we will build scarecrows and carve pumpkins. I have a party to go to this weekend. I'm busy with work, which is good. Life never stops for long.
