It's my 100th post. I thought I might do something special for you but after spending a week or so pondering that, nothing came to mind. Then, spontaneously, I wanted to post tonight.
So I'm standing by my tree, alone, waiting for it to magically make me feel better. This Christmas has been pretty lackluster so far. Let me give you some examples: I always cry when I watch Polar Express, but this year, I cried 5 times and I was only halfway through the movie! I finally gave up and started cleaning the floors (my classic stress response - cleaning). More examples...just the thought of decorating my tree made me sad. The tree sat outside on my porch for 3 days before we finally dragged it inside. After allowing my kids to decorate the whole thing (or the bottom third of it at least) I was content to allow Baxter to snip off the tip so the angel could fit up there - and while hugging my milk punch and sulking, finally exploded in laughter when the tip of the tree plopped right into my drink. I think it was the only time I smiled all night.
Tonight, like every night, I'm just blue - totally lifeless. I am not myself. I feel like I'm trapped in another dimension. So I am standing by my tree tonight, thankful for its sacrifice, enjoying its fragrance, and hoping that one of the ornaments will gleam in some certain way and catch my eye...and nothing happens. Nothing happens until I stare at a frosty blue ball - one of about a dozen like it on the tree - that just happens to be at my eye level. I stare at it in a sympathetic sort of way. That's how I feel - frosty blue. That's the ornament I identify with this year. Not the tipsy elf in the martini glass - not the saxophone wielding Santa Clause - not the homemade signed and dated ornaments from my children - not the Rubanesque angel painted orbs - the blue glass ball from Target. And suddenly, it occurs to me...my dad wouldn't want this for me. He named me Joy, after all. If he is watching from heaven, his heart would be heavy. He would not want me to be this other, sad person from planet blah. He would want me to be who I am, a woman who loves Christmas, who loves the get-togethers and merriment, who loves the lights and tinsel and carols. The song "Breath of Heaven" shouldn't make me feel like pushing myself off on an ice-flow. I need a Christmas miracle tonight. May my heart grow three sizes! I want to go buy the biggest Christmas Goose in all of Smyrna! For the last week of Christmas, I want to feel like myself again. I want to wake up tomorrow and feel a rush of Christmas spirit like never before. I am praying tonight for that miracle. May God give me myself back. That's all I really want for Christmas this year. What do you really want?
3 comments:
Hmmm....I'm pondering this post tonight.
I'll be praying for your heart to grow three sizes! I do think you'll have some relief once you get through the rest of 2009, but I'll still be praying for a Christmas miracle for you.
You are heard, loved and prayed for. I think that we all need some Christmas cheer. And according to Elf you need to sing loud for all to hear, or maybe we need to sing loud for you to hear for you to catch the cheer.
Anyway, love you girl!
That was a beautiful post. You father does want you to be happy and think of all the wonderful Christmas memories you had together. Try to think of one each day as you get out of bed and then think of how you can make a memory for your children on that day.
Just an idea.
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