Indulge Me, Will You?

Okay, while the coals are still burning, I need to tell you more about the book I just read, Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age, by Dan Kindlon, PhD. I have already told you how interesting this book is in my previous post. I have never not been able to put a parenting book down before, so I highly recommend it for both it's insightfulness as well as its compelling text.



Here's what I gained most from reading it:

• We indulge our children when we give in to them. Sometimes we do this because we are lazy or tired and we just can't be strong enough to say no. Other times, we are misguided in our thinking and we believe that they will no longer love us if we do not give them what they want. Still other times, we indulge them because our good "inner parent" longs to make them happy.

• When we continuously indulge them, they grow up without boundaries and with an increasing sense of the need for immediate gratification.

• These traits are strongly tied to larger problems later in life such as eating disorders, sexual promiscuity, drug and alcohol abuse, and a skewed sense of what is most important in life.

• Children need depth. They need hard lessons sometimes. They need us to be their parents and not their buddies. They need consistency. They need rules. The book calls it TLC - Time, Limits and Caring

• Fully one-half of 13 and 14 year olds in his study among upper-middle-class and affluent youth were abusing drugs and alcohol, almost as many were having sex.

The 5 factors that influenced those in the study who were the "good kids" were:

1. Their families frequently ate dinner together and attended religious services


2. Their parents were not divorced or separated


3. They had to keep their rooms clean


4. They didn't have a phone in their room (I would add computer to the list for 2008)


5. They did community service

The principles in the book seem simple, but I believe that our societies' indulgent attitudes pervade all aspects of our parenting behaviors. We let our children rule us in ways that are impossible to see unless you shine a bright light on yourself once in a while. We doubt ourselves, our choices for them and our ability to "know what's best" is eaten away by our own childhood experiences. We want them to always be bright and shiny and happy but some of the ways in which we fuel their happiness may lead to anxiety and depression in their adolescent and adult lives.



My message for today is that if you truly do know what is best for your child, stick by your guns and don't let anyone take that away from you, least of all your child who only really knows what we teach them.