Unsettled

A week after our move, we are still far from being settled in. I have managed to get the major living areas livable, but there is much left to be done. I have resorted to list making, which is pretty futile when you can only afford to do half of what is on your list in the first place.

I have big plans for the basement that will take thousands of dollars to complete. I have big plans for the outside of the house: adding a front porch, taking down some trees, and putting in a zip line for the kids. That's going to take some big bucks. I also have two bathrooms that need complete remodels. If something is going to take more than a year complete, why bother writing this stuff down? Here is a sample list:

-organize clothes
-finish painting bathrooms
-mud walls in basement

Really? Gonna get to that one this weekend?

Baxter worked Tuesday through Friday, so most of the unpacking and arranging fell on me. Frankly, I prefer it that way because I like to have complete autonomy when it comes to deciding where our stuff lives. By the time Saturday arrived, his honey-do list had grown quite long and the weekend ended in frustration - several things started but none completed.

Despite my relaxed albeit, flippant tone, I am quite anxious. I have to find a way to help Baxter pay for this new home of ours and I have very little time at the end of the day to focus on a real job search. I'm having a recurring dream in which I'm back in high school or college and it's the end of the semester and I am going to fail a class because I never attended. In some cases, I can't find the classroom and intend on dropping the class but forget until it's too late. Other times, I realize that I have work to catch up on and attempt to make it right but my attempts are futile. At first, I thought this was a dream related to moving, or a dream related to me being somewhat behind with my copywriting work. Today, however, I realize that it probably has more to do with me going back to work full-time and missed opportunities. I really need to put decorating on hold and focus on a job search. I would hate to miss the perfect opportunity because I was obsessively organizing Abby's Littlest Pet Shop collection. Additionally, I will be able to afford all of these home updates with a better job.

I also struggle with letting go. I know that things happen in their own time and I know I am where I should be. I feel at peace with that. God has ultimate authority over my life and there is a plan being played out, even if it feels like we're running in circles sometimes. I wanted to start work in August, when the kids start school. I didn't want to cancel our trip at the end of July and I wanted to spend the summer loving my kids as much as I can and preparing them for school. Well, August is almost here. I feel that quickening feeling, like being on the precipice of something new. Time to pray for patience, peace, and fearlessness.

I Want Me A Hat!

I'm tempted to poll the husbands out there and ask them what's the sexiest thing they've ever seen their wives doing? However, we need to keep this blog PG for the kids' sake. According to Baxter, the sexiest thing he's ever seen me do was grab a single-shot bolt-action rifle and run after a varmint on our deck. You see, we have a raccoon living in the attic of the new house. My sister used to feed it cat food.

Anyway, the kids saw it coming out of the hole it made under the roof line and I sprang into action. I would have gotten a shot off if I had been out there a second sooner (and if the gun had been loaded). Baxter has now informed me which one was loaded and I'm so glad that the kids have no idea, you know, if I'm not watching them for like 10 seconds and they decide to give it a go. I mean, there's only a 33% chance that they'll grab the loaded 22. That makes me feel so much better. I think I'm in charge of the guns now. And after the scene he witnessed two nights ago, I don't think there's going to be any argument.

Paint Therapy

I love decorating. Along with puppeteer, nurse, teacher, gelato shop owner and motivational speaker, I could have become an interior designer - or maybe a professional painter. I love to paint. I love the rhythm and concentration. Next to yoga, it's the most calming thing I can do. Yesterday, we painted our bedroom a very vibrant color. I want our bedroom to be a bright, cheerful and peaceful retreat from the world. I want to feel as if we've just arrived at our destination every time we go to bed. I want to wake up in a room that feels like it's in another world before we have to get on with life in the real one. That's my goal. To reach that goal, I needed a very passionate color to take us there. I chose Dragon Fruit. Dragon Fruit is an actual fruit and it's gorgeous. Basically, this is what my room should look like when we're all done:

Baxter says it's pink. I keep reminding him that it's called Dragon Fruit. He says I'm turning him into a metrosexual - but I told him to trust me. Thankfully, he does.

Change Is A Comin'

So, change is happening around here. I'm going to start painting and cleaning up the new house next week and we should start moving stuff in that weekend. I hope that once we actually get settled in, I can think of things less shallow than paint colors and to-do lists. That's partly why I'm blogging right now instead of writing for Skip. I need to process the fullness of all that's going on around me.

Have any of you noticed the recession going on? How about the inflation too? It's bad out there, people. What better time for me to decide to go back to work? Yes, I have decided to go back to work. What does this mean? I already work now. I freelance and do okay with that - but I need more money. I guess I'm really not going back to work so much as I've agreed to be someone else's slave again. Sounds fun. I have very mixed feelings about this. I'm okay with not homeschooling anymore, really. All those feelings of abandoning my children - I've let them go - and I think my kids are going to be on a serious adventure in public school this year.

I'm not really scared of being out there in the workplace. I guess it's more a feeling of uncertainty about the caliber of job I can find right now and my own ability to do everything required by my family in addition to working full time. I'll go ahead and tell you, Baxter is not going to be doing laundry. I've known him since 1999 and he has never done laundry once so I'm sure that he won't be starting now. Dishes? Maybe. Other household chores? Possibly. Consistently? Definitely not. Now I'm not on here to talk bad about my hubby - he contributes so much to our family in other ways. I'm just not sure I can do it all myself. So, does that mean I need a housekeeper? Can I justify that? Should I just do it all and continue cutting corners so that we can leapfrog ourselves into financial security? Of course I should. Will I? I don't envision myself having the energy to work 9-5, drive to pick up the kids, go home, tend to the animals, take in the mail, start dinner, escort kids to practice of some kind, eat dinner, clean up, put kids in bed, do laundry, chores, etc... and collapse. I need some downtime too. There's a lot I don't know about working full time and managing a family, like, I don't know if I can actually do it.

Besides that, I'm excited about the possibility of going back full time. I have so much to offer the right company if I can find it. I have about 6 weeks to get my ducks in a row before I really heat up my job search. There's no sense in starting something until the kids are in school. I will cherish this time. Time to get moved, settled, decorated, and have some semblance of routine before I embark on this new journey. I guess my main concern in today's world is to find a job period. Let's hope I can!

The Drought of 2008

Do you ever wonder what stuff will leave a lasting impact on your kids? I've been thinking about this a lot lately as I am realizing my oldest is at the age to remember most everything into adulthood. She is old enough to make lifelong friends and carry scars around when people mistreat her. I need to be wary of letting them hear things on the news and when I'm being candid with a friend over the phone about problems within the family. Little minds are being shaped here!

I have also been thinking about The Gulf oil spill. It has to be the worst disaster ever, or at least in our lifetime. The vastness of its' impact is hard to comprehend. I wonder if this will make my kids more sensitive to environmental issues, more concerned for animals, or turn them into members of E.L.F. You just never know. A little thing can have a huge impact. I overheard a teacher telling my mom that I'd be a writer when I grew up and it's all I ever wanted to do after that. What are we telling our kids that will impact them as adults? Are we telling them they're beautiful or scolding them for being bratty? Are we telling them they are kind or are we rolling our eyes and being sarcastic to them when they don't listen the first time? Are we helping them become the best they can be or are we stunting their spiritual growth?

We had a drought in 2008 and had to really watch how much water we used. Driving past the local lakes would make you want to cry, seeing docks standing there in clay, dust flying around in the morning instead of dew. We caught every drop of water we could in the shower to water plants with. I used bathwater from the kids to keep my lilies alive. Don't worry, I used a biodegradable soap. It was so bad, we watched how many times we flushed the toilet and only flushed after it was really necessary. I know this sounds gross, but it was the worst drought in state history. At the time, Abby was 5 and Ford was 3 and this has apparently left a huge mark on them because they still can't remember to flush the toilet! Twice a day, I smell something and I find a present in there from one of them. They remember to wash their hands. They remember to wipe well, but they cannot remember to flush. If this one thing so easily molded their behavior, it does make me wonder what else will stick. I hope it's mostly the good stuff.