Today is just an average day. I have chores to do and work to finish. I have homework to help Abby with and a play-date tomorrow to prepare for. There is nothing special about today at all except the date. One year ago, my dad passed away. I think I've moved on and have handled it very well these past twelve months. However, last night I woke up at 4 and could not go back to sleep. Nothing particular was on my mind, except today's date. That alone kept me awake for two and a half hours.
It is hard to explain what I feel like today. I'm not depressed although you might assume so given my old sweatsuit I'm wearing right now. I guess I'm just blue. Losing him was tough. The way it all happened didn't make it any easier. I can't even see a commercial for CPR classes without thinking about those moments and I can't use a leaf blower without thinking about my son running to tell me he had stopped breathing.
I fear my mother's death more than ever. I talk to her daily and we discuss politics, religion, family, cooking and life in general. My mother and I don't delight in small talk. This year, her opinions have gotten more black and white, and her ability to talk about difficult personal issues has grown dim. I think that perhaps she fears her death as well. Her twin sister died last Wednesday. She was my namesake and the reason I wanted to change my name for most of my childhood. She was a terrible person and a terrible sister to my mom. She did not attend the funeral. Still, just knowing about her death at this particular time brings a lot of things to mind.
All of the excitement of the summer and the busy days of early fall have given way to a broader sense of sadness now. I wonder if it is just for a day, or longer. I felt this way at Christmas last year - just like I'm no fun anymore. I feel so un-fun that I can't imagine other people wanting to do anything with me. Even Joy can't fake joy. People can tell.
So here I am at my most cathartic. Spewing all of this out online for what reason I can't tell you, except that it makes me feel a little better than I did before I sat down. Now I need to get up from my desk, change clothes, and get on with my day. Abby has a piano lesson. I need to start their Halloween costumes. Tomorrow we will build scarecrows and carve pumpkins. I have a party to go to this weekend. I'm busy with work, which is good. Life never stops for long.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
So Happy I Could Cry
So what's your definition of a perfect day? I thought I knew mine...until today. Yesterday was our 9th anniversary and we enjoyed a nice lunch at docoeur de france in marietta. But unfortunately I spent most of the day working at my computer. Then I spent 6 hours in the car. Not much of a day all in all. But after today, it was all worth it.
We started our morning with chocolate croissants and coffee. Then we headed out to scenic Bass Lake. Baxter enjoyed a 4 mile run while the kids and I hiked and enjoyed the quiet. After Baxter cooled down and changed, we stuffed ourselves with some good NC bbq.
We had a little time to kill after lunch so we hit the local outlet mall for a bit. I found a pair of Gap jeans for $7. That alone would usually make my day - but we haven't even gotten to the best parts yet.
The rest of our afternoon was spent in quaint downtown Blowing Rock. We parked in front of the community library - one of many stone buildings that adds so much charm to this idyllic place. The kids played at the playground where someone was kind enough to draw out a hopscotch course for all to use. We strolled down Main Street and peeked into adorable shops and finally made our way to a homemade fudge and ice cream shop where we treated the kids to cones that weighed 2 pounds each. At 4 it was time to walk over to the local farmers market where we gathered all the produce we needed for dinner, including some amazingly complex wildflower honey.
Then it was time to get back in the car. Life is always better when you take the long way home... especially when James Taylor is playing. There was a moment in that car with the windows down when I felt so completely happy that my words fall short trying to describe it.
We made a short stop at the market to get some fresh trout to complete our dinner. Now I am just bragging! But what a great day it's been!
We started our morning with chocolate croissants and coffee. Then we headed out to scenic Bass Lake. Baxter enjoyed a 4 mile run while the kids and I hiked and enjoyed the quiet. After Baxter cooled down and changed, we stuffed ourselves with some good NC bbq.
We had a little time to kill after lunch so we hit the local outlet mall for a bit. I found a pair of Gap jeans for $7. That alone would usually make my day - but we haven't even gotten to the best parts yet.
The rest of our afternoon was spent in quaint downtown Blowing Rock. We parked in front of the community library - one of many stone buildings that adds so much charm to this idyllic place. The kids played at the playground where someone was kind enough to draw out a hopscotch course for all to use. We strolled down Main Street and peeked into adorable shops and finally made our way to a homemade fudge and ice cream shop where we treated the kids to cones that weighed 2 pounds each. At 4 it was time to walk over to the local farmers market where we gathered all the produce we needed for dinner, including some amazingly complex wildflower honey.
Then it was time to get back in the car. Life is always better when you take the long way home... especially when James Taylor is playing. There was a moment in that car with the windows down when I felt so completely happy that my words fall short trying to describe it.
We made a short stop at the market to get some fresh trout to complete our dinner. Now I am just bragging! But what a great day it's been!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Driven To Distraction
If you check the date of my last blog entry, it just so happened to be the first day of school. Of course, I didn't write about the first day of school because the whole point was to distract myself from my feelings of panic and anxiety! Let me paint the picture for you...
It was early on Thursday morning. We had been up since 6 and the whole family arrived together with backpacks and bags of school supplies. We walked into the school and were greeted by friendly faces all around. After signing ourselves into the visitor log, we humbly made our way down the hallway towards Abby's class. Once at her room, Abby sauntered off, turned around once and flipped a brief wave in our direction and was gone. Little Miss Independent was happy to be there. We continued on to Ford's classroom and arrived to a very busy scene of parents and Kindergartners and many awkward good-byes. I showed him his hook and he hung up his bag. He looked happy to see his name on things. Then we delivered school supplies to his teacher. Baxter took him to a table to settle in and I spoke to the teacher, doing my best to hold back the tears. Ford, however, was teary-eyed himself and looked like he might haul off and hit somebody if they crossed him. Reluctantly, we decided to leave.
That morning was strange. The house seemed empty. The pets even wondered what I had done with the children. I settled in with a cup of coffee on the deck. I listened to the birds and I spent time praying and reading my Bible. I began to get comfortable with myself again. I decided to work on something so I started some ad copy for Great Wraps that needed to be back that day. I had just gotten into a groove when the phone rang. It was Mrs. Merletti. Ford was inconsolable. "We are giving you the option," she said, "of either coming to get him or trying to console him over the phone." Well, not being one to give up too easily, I decided to try and comfort him over the phone first in the hopes that he could remain there until the release bell rang. Between sobs, I told him that he was a big boy. I told him that he could control himself if he wanted to. I told him that I loved him and I trusted his teacher to take care of him. He listened and he tried and in the end he pulled himself together. From 11 am until 2 pm, I waited for the phone to ring again. I waited and I waited. I had to have a distraction but writing about gyros was next to impossible so I decided to blog - blog about vacation. I enjoyed that post! However, even at the end of my keyboard time, the anxiety returned. For three hours I felt like I could throw up. Once they were in the car again, I could feel my blood pressure returning to normal. The panic started to subside.
I never believed my parents when they said things were harder on them than on me. Who ever believes that nonsense? Well, apparently, they were right. It is harder on the parents. I mean, I'm sure it was a difficult day for him too but even now he looks back on that day as a "big" day an "important" one....me? I just feel exhausted even thinking about it. The subsequent days were easier and after a week or two, he is downright happy to go to school and I'm happy to have this new schedule of professional and personal time to myself.
Ford came down with something yesterday and I kept them both out of school today. Early on, I was kind of happy to have them both here. We watched National Velvet and The Three Stooges and ate popsicles. Then things appeared worse so I decided a trip to the doctor was in order. Turns out he has strep throat. Suddenly, I wish he were in school and I was missing him instead of him being sickly and upset and near me. Poor thing.
It was early on Thursday morning. We had been up since 6 and the whole family arrived together with backpacks and bags of school supplies. We walked into the school and were greeted by friendly faces all around. After signing ourselves into the visitor log, we humbly made our way down the hallway towards Abby's class. Once at her room, Abby sauntered off, turned around once and flipped a brief wave in our direction and was gone. Little Miss Independent was happy to be there. We continued on to Ford's classroom and arrived to a very busy scene of parents and Kindergartners and many awkward good-byes. I showed him his hook and he hung up his bag. He looked happy to see his name on things. Then we delivered school supplies to his teacher. Baxter took him to a table to settle in and I spoke to the teacher, doing my best to hold back the tears. Ford, however, was teary-eyed himself and looked like he might haul off and hit somebody if they crossed him. Reluctantly, we decided to leave.
That morning was strange. The house seemed empty. The pets even wondered what I had done with the children. I settled in with a cup of coffee on the deck. I listened to the birds and I spent time praying and reading my Bible. I began to get comfortable with myself again. I decided to work on something so I started some ad copy for Great Wraps that needed to be back that day. I had just gotten into a groove when the phone rang. It was Mrs. Merletti. Ford was inconsolable. "We are giving you the option," she said, "of either coming to get him or trying to console him over the phone." Well, not being one to give up too easily, I decided to try and comfort him over the phone first in the hopes that he could remain there until the release bell rang. Between sobs, I told him that he was a big boy. I told him that he could control himself if he wanted to. I told him that I loved him and I trusted his teacher to take care of him. He listened and he tried and in the end he pulled himself together. From 11 am until 2 pm, I waited for the phone to ring again. I waited and I waited. I had to have a distraction but writing about gyros was next to impossible so I decided to blog - blog about vacation. I enjoyed that post! However, even at the end of my keyboard time, the anxiety returned. For three hours I felt like I could throw up. Once they were in the car again, I could feel my blood pressure returning to normal. The panic started to subside.
I never believed my parents when they said things were harder on them than on me. Who ever believes that nonsense? Well, apparently, they were right. It is harder on the parents. I mean, I'm sure it was a difficult day for him too but even now he looks back on that day as a "big" day an "important" one....me? I just feel exhausted even thinking about it. The subsequent days were easier and after a week or two, he is downright happy to go to school and I'm happy to have this new schedule of professional and personal time to myself.
Ford came down with something yesterday and I kept them both out of school today. Early on, I was kind of happy to have them both here. We watched National Velvet and The Three Stooges and ate popsicles. Then things appeared worse so I decided a trip to the doctor was in order. Turns out he has strep throat. Suddenly, I wish he were in school and I was missing him instead of him being sickly and upset and near me. Poor thing.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Savage Mommy
We had an amazing time down on Cumberland Island. Despite the soaring temperatures and lack of hygiene, we could have stayed another night! Here is a brief look at how we spent our vacation:
Day One: Drive down to St. Mary's (aprox. 6 hours), checked into hotel, then dinner at Captain Seagle's. We all highly recommend this restaurant and I will be writing a full review on my food blog!
Day Two: Caught the 9AM ferry over to Cumberland. The ferry takes about an hour - we arrived, unloaded our stuff, and waited to listen to the ranger's camping orientation. We were warned about rip tides, alligators, sharks, snakes, raccoons taking your food, how not to anger a feral horse, and dehydration. It was very informative, and a bit scary!
We then set up camp, ate our picnic lunch, changed into our swimsuits and hit the beach! After a relaxing time cooling off in the ocean water and building sandcastles, we headed back to camp to prepare our dinner. We ate very well on the island - expect to see some of that action on my food blog as well. We enjoyed the cold showers and late into the evening hours we turned in.
Day Three: This was our one full day on the island. We spent it hiking around. We took the kids to see the ruins at Dungeness. A lot of wild horses like to hang out there and it was really neat for all of us to watch them. We ate our picnic near Dungeness and hiked back to Sea Camp.
The afternoon was spent at the beach but we were eventually chased in by a thunderstorm. It was surprisingly fun to sit in a hot tent and play cards while it rained outside. Baxter and I enjoyed a glass of boxed wine and the kids just thought everything was more fun in a tent. After dinner and another cold shower, we took a late stroll on the beach at sunset. We were excited to see a deer on the sand dunes walking back. It was a majestic setting, full of surprises. We ended up taking the rainfly off of the tent for the night. It was a bit risky but well worth the fresh air inside. Next year, we will definitely invest in some tent fans!
Day Four: Baxter and I were up early making breakfast when we heard a loud commotion in the brush. We looked up and saw a horse coming straight towards our campsite! I tip-toed to the tent and woke up the kids just in time for them to open their eyes and watch the horse walk right by the tent. I was so happy that the rainfly was off so they could watch the whole thing!
After a disastrous breakfast of cold and chewy rice pudding (which you should apparently never freeze), we packed up our campsite and headed for the dock. Our ferry ride back was nice and we were glad to be leaving with a record-setting 101 high temperature and heat index of 119 headed our way. We all took "hobo baths" in the public restroom and headed to Lang's for one last seafood meal. While not as good as Seagle's, Lang's does offer some of the best fried, fresh-caught shrimp you'll ever have. Plus, the ice-cold drinks were just fabulous (as was the air conditioning). We made one more stop for ice cream at the general store and started a new tradition of buying a Christmas ornament on vacation. After several moves, we need a few more ornaments.
We made it back in time for dinner in Smyrna. All in all, it was a great little trip - not too costly and full of new sights, sounds and adventure. The kids were sad to leave and can't wait to go back.
A word to the wise - an ounce of planning is worth a pound of cure. I did a very good job planning and packing for the family. It took a 7 hour shopping trip, a list 4 pages long, and a lot of hair-pulling and google-searching but it was well worth it. We needed most of what I packed and only added 4 items to the packing list when we got back. Those 4 things were a red flashlight so we can watch the sea turtles laying eggs in the dunes at night (no white lights are allowed out there at night), tent fans, a large tarp, and dry ice instead of regular ice for the cooler. There is no store or way of getting provisions of any kind on the island. What you pack in is what you have access to - that's it. So planning is everything if you want to make a trip to Cumberland. There was a family down there by the name of Rentz who has had their family reunion on Cumberland Island for over 25 years. This year, there were 4 generations camping, including a baby under 1 year. With good planning, anyone can enjoy this beautiful example of a sub-tropical Georgia ecosystem. For information on planning your visit, here are a few good places to start:
http://www.stmaryswelcome.com/ (St. Mary's, Ga official page)
http://www.nps.gov/cuis/index.htm (Cumberland Island Info from The National Park Service)
http://www.campingblogger.net/ (one of many blogs where I found useful info to help me plan our trip)
Monday, July 12, 2010
Unsettled
A week after our move, we are still far from being settled in. I have managed to get the major living areas livable, but there is much left to be done. I have resorted to list making, which is pretty futile when you can only afford to do half of what is on your list in the first place.
I have big plans for the basement that will take thousands of dollars to complete. I have big plans for the outside of the house: adding a front porch, taking down some trees, and putting in a zip line for the kids. That's going to take some big bucks. I also have two bathrooms that need complete remodels. If something is going to take more than a year complete, why bother writing this stuff down? Here is a sample list:
-organize clothes
-finish painting bathrooms
-mud walls in basement
Really? Gonna get to that one this weekend?
Baxter worked Tuesday through Friday, so most of the unpacking and arranging fell on me. Frankly, I prefer it that way because I like to have complete autonomy when it comes to deciding where our stuff lives. By the time Saturday arrived, his honey-do list had grown quite long and the weekend ended in frustration - several things started but none completed.
Despite my relaxed albeit, flippant tone, I am quite anxious. I have to find a way to help Baxter pay for this new home of ours and I have very little time at the end of the day to focus on a real job search. I'm having a recurring dream in which I'm back in high school or college and it's the end of the semester and I am going to fail a class because I never attended. In some cases, I can't find the classroom and intend on dropping the class but forget until it's too late. Other times, I realize that I have work to catch up on and attempt to make it right but my attempts are futile. At first, I thought this was a dream related to moving, or a dream related to me being somewhat behind with my copywriting work. Today, however, I realize that it probably has more to do with me going back to work full-time and missed opportunities. I really need to put decorating on hold and focus on a job search. I would hate to miss the perfect opportunity because I was obsessively organizing Abby's Littlest Pet Shop collection. Additionally, I will be able to afford all of these home updates with a better job.
I also struggle with letting go. I know that things happen in their own time and I know I am where I should be. I feel at peace with that. God has ultimate authority over my life and there is a plan being played out, even if it feels like we're running in circles sometimes. I wanted to start work in August, when the kids start school. I didn't want to cancel our trip at the end of July and I wanted to spend the summer loving my kids as much as I can and preparing them for school. Well, August is almost here. I feel that quickening feeling, like being on the precipice of something new. Time to pray for patience, peace, and fearlessness.
I have big plans for the basement that will take thousands of dollars to complete. I have big plans for the outside of the house: adding a front porch, taking down some trees, and putting in a zip line for the kids. That's going to take some big bucks. I also have two bathrooms that need complete remodels. If something is going to take more than a year complete, why bother writing this stuff down? Here is a sample list:
-organize clothes
-finish painting bathrooms
-mud walls in basement
Really? Gonna get to that one this weekend?
Baxter worked Tuesday through Friday, so most of the unpacking and arranging fell on me. Frankly, I prefer it that way because I like to have complete autonomy when it comes to deciding where our stuff lives. By the time Saturday arrived, his honey-do list had grown quite long and the weekend ended in frustration - several things started but none completed.
Despite my relaxed albeit, flippant tone, I am quite anxious. I have to find a way to help Baxter pay for this new home of ours and I have very little time at the end of the day to focus on a real job search. I'm having a recurring dream in which I'm back in high school or college and it's the end of the semester and I am going to fail a class because I never attended. In some cases, I can't find the classroom and intend on dropping the class but forget until it's too late. Other times, I realize that I have work to catch up on and attempt to make it right but my attempts are futile. At first, I thought this was a dream related to moving, or a dream related to me being somewhat behind with my copywriting work. Today, however, I realize that it probably has more to do with me going back to work full-time and missed opportunities. I really need to put decorating on hold and focus on a job search. I would hate to miss the perfect opportunity because I was obsessively organizing Abby's Littlest Pet Shop collection. Additionally, I will be able to afford all of these home updates with a better job.
I also struggle with letting go. I know that things happen in their own time and I know I am where I should be. I feel at peace with that. God has ultimate authority over my life and there is a plan being played out, even if it feels like we're running in circles sometimes. I wanted to start work in August, when the kids start school. I didn't want to cancel our trip at the end of July and I wanted to spend the summer loving my kids as much as I can and preparing them for school. Well, August is almost here. I feel that quickening feeling, like being on the precipice of something new. Time to pray for patience, peace, and fearlessness.
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