I've had a couple of people ask me to post again so I'm here for a brief post. Unfortunately, I am so swamped with work right now, I really can't justify spending very long on blogger. I'm enjoying a cozy Sunday morning in my fleece PJ's and a good cup of french-press coffee (my 3rd). For those of you who watch your caffeine intake that probably sent your jaws dropping. I don't usually drink that much coffee but it's just a coffee kind of day.
We didn't go to church again today. I felt bad last week that we weren't there - but the temps outside have made that guilt dissipate. Perhaps we'll visit Christchurch next week. Right now, I feel okay about it. I used to think that if you weren't in a church every Sunday that you were backsliding. Now I feel that God knows my heart and he understands me - maybe even better than I understand myself - and that if I need to take a little time to find a church home, that's okay.
So, what are we doing today? Baxter is fixing up our bathroom. Some of you have been to our little cottage, but some of you have not. Our bathroom was added to the house in the 1940's. Before that, there was an outhouse out back and a pump for water. No lie. So, the bathroom is teeny-tiny and the four of us share it every day. We're not ready for any big renovations at this point. We just want to make it look and feel a little nicer for the time being. If there's one thing I've learned over the last few years it is that there's just no telling what the future will bring. So, we're learning to make do with what we have for now. The good news is, with a cosmetic makeover, the bathroom is never really out of commission and the kids and I can stay put right here when it's 32 degrees outside.
Our computer was attacked by a virus a while back and we finally got it all cleaned off. Following a week without my computer, I am so far behind with work. That's what I'll be doing for the remainder of my day. I'll be writing some on-hold messages for Hardee's, Carl Jr's, a women's spa and a bunch of other smaller stuff. It's just all so glamorous! During the week I couldn't write, I did a lot of thinking about writing. I remembered that my goal when I met Baxter was to become a working writer. I achieved that. I am a bona fide, actual, paid writer. Is it my dream job? Is it even something I ever considered I would end up doing? Nope - and that's okay. I achieved goal number one. So, what's goal number two? Am I going to really write this book I keep daydreaming about?
I've decided to give up weeknight TV for Lent. This will probably mean spending a lot less time with my husband but I hope it will be inspiring to him as well. I'm going to use my time to write. In between homeschooling, cleaning, errands, activities and work, I have no time left for creative writing. If I'm going to be serious, I need 3-4 hours a day. The only time I have is at night. So I'm doing it. I'm finally at a place where my father isn't occupying all my extra emotional space and where the little pieces of my life are pretty much on auto-pilot. There's just no better time than now. However, the last time I made a pledge like this to myself, my father died. I hope I'm reading God's cues correctly. I think this is what He wants for me. We shall see. For today, it's Hardee's hamburgers. Fun fun fun.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
BlankBook
I don't curse on my blog but you can fill in the blank with whatever you want...
I have some new revelations on Facebook and social networking sites in general. Sometimes change happens to you when you aren't looking for it. Something unexpected happens, forcing you to change an aspect of your life. A few weeks ago, my Facebook account was suspended because I have a virus on my computer. Someone was sending out spam from my FB account. I know how to fix it but I haven't had time to fix it so...no Facebook for a while.
Here is what I discovered. I don't feel deprived that I don't know what everyone is doing and thinking all the time. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I have gotten back that which is most precious of all ...time. I have gotten back innumerable hours of wasted time. Just sitting down and logging on to FB takes a few minutes. If you do it twice a day, scrolling down the status updates, that takes at minimum, 20 minutes a day. That's all the time I need to do one session of yoga! If I have other things to do like add friends, answer messages, or God forbid anyone IM me to chat ( I really hate that) then you're locked in for a good 45 minutes or more. I don't have that kind of time people! I'm a busy lady! Why have I wasted so much of my life on FB? There have been two instances where I needed to access my account and I couldn't. That was annoying. But the reality is, I only actually needed FB twice in almost a month!
The truth is, the Christmas season was a very smooth one because of my lack of FB. I had time to bake pies, cakes and cookies! I had time to roast a duck on Christmas Eve! I had time to play with the kids for days after Christmas and spend that precious time with them. Guess what else? I had time to clean out and rearrange my closet and I even had time to unpack the final two boxes that were sitting in the bottom of it since we moved here in March. And when we traveled to Banner Elk, NC for New Year's, I was so used to being out of the FB loop that I didn't miss the internet at all...not one little bit! I also feel better. I feel good about the ways I'm using my time and that alone has lightened my mood. I'm not going to make a blanket statement like: "I'll never use Facebook again!!!" But I am definitely going to go there less and keep these revelations foremost in my mind when I do. It's not exactly a New Year's resolution if you've started it before New Year's; but maybe it's the kind of resolution I can actually keep.
I have some new revelations on Facebook and social networking sites in general. Sometimes change happens to you when you aren't looking for it. Something unexpected happens, forcing you to change an aspect of your life. A few weeks ago, my Facebook account was suspended because I have a virus on my computer. Someone was sending out spam from my FB account. I know how to fix it but I haven't had time to fix it so...no Facebook for a while.
Here is what I discovered. I don't feel deprived that I don't know what everyone is doing and thinking all the time. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I have gotten back that which is most precious of all ...time. I have gotten back innumerable hours of wasted time. Just sitting down and logging on to FB takes a few minutes. If you do it twice a day, scrolling down the status updates, that takes at minimum, 20 minutes a day. That's all the time I need to do one session of yoga! If I have other things to do like add friends, answer messages, or God forbid anyone IM me to chat ( I really hate that) then you're locked in for a good 45 minutes or more. I don't have that kind of time people! I'm a busy lady! Why have I wasted so much of my life on FB? There have been two instances where I needed to access my account and I couldn't. That was annoying. But the reality is, I only actually needed FB twice in almost a month!
The truth is, the Christmas season was a very smooth one because of my lack of FB. I had time to bake pies, cakes and cookies! I had time to roast a duck on Christmas Eve! I had time to play with the kids for days after Christmas and spend that precious time with them. Guess what else? I had time to clean out and rearrange my closet and I even had time to unpack the final two boxes that were sitting in the bottom of it since we moved here in March. And when we traveled to Banner Elk, NC for New Year's, I was so used to being out of the FB loop that I didn't miss the internet at all...not one little bit! I also feel better. I feel good about the ways I'm using my time and that alone has lightened my mood. I'm not going to make a blanket statement like: "I'll never use Facebook again!!!" But I am definitely going to go there less and keep these revelations foremost in my mind when I do. It's not exactly a New Year's resolution if you've started it before New Year's; but maybe it's the kind of resolution I can actually keep.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Don't Worry, Be Happy
So, that was pretty dark. I feel like I need to update. I am operating at normal capacity today. Yesterday, I felt much better after venting. This blog thing can be very cathartic when you need it to be. I did finish those "to-do's" and I think the sense of accomplishment helped some. I have gotten a lot done today and am right on track for Christmas. On the list for today:
Ironing
Bean Soup
Baking
Grocery shop
Floors
Not too much. Should be able to finish it. I've already started the bean soup.
Christmas is going to be fun. I have high hopes for Christmas morning and I can't imagine not enjoying every minute of it. Thanks to those of you who showed concern yesterday - don't worry, there isn't a doctor in his right mind who would prescribe me anti-depressants. I'm just being very open here and I'm finding that openness can be very spirit-lifting. I'm going to get up a bit early tomorrow morning and sit by my tree with coffee in hand, pondering the reason for this season. Beginning the day with reflection and thanksgiving is the most basic way to start Christmas. I encourage anyone who is having a difficult time this year to focus on the real reason we celebrate and to invite that joyous feeling at the birth of salvation and hope into your hearts. My hope is that we all have a very merry Christmas!
Ironing
Bean Soup
Baking
Grocery shop
Floors
Not too much. Should be able to finish it. I've already started the bean soup.
Christmas is going to be fun. I have high hopes for Christmas morning and I can't imagine not enjoying every minute of it. Thanks to those of you who showed concern yesterday - don't worry, there isn't a doctor in his right mind who would prescribe me anti-depressants. I'm just being very open here and I'm finding that openness can be very spirit-lifting. I'm going to get up a bit early tomorrow morning and sit by my tree with coffee in hand, pondering the reason for this season. Beginning the day with reflection and thanksgiving is the most basic way to start Christmas. I encourage anyone who is having a difficult time this year to focus on the real reason we celebrate and to invite that joyous feeling at the birth of salvation and hope into your hearts. My hope is that we all have a very merry Christmas!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
2 Days Until Lift-Off
After my last post, I felt much relieved. So, I'm hoping this post will have the same effect. That next day - Friday and Saturday in fact - things seemed strangely normal. Then, the bottom dropped out. In fact, after two nights of stress and rehashing all of the circumstances surrounding my father's death, I reached the end of my rope. Actually, to borrow a runner's term, I hit the wall...hard. Yesterday it was actually difficult to get out of bed. Today, I got out of bed but had to lay down again after lunch when I started having a panic attack. I know that I sound like a complete crazy person as I type this. Maybe I am. I have never felt this emotionally messed up in my whole life.
What triggered the panic attack? Several small things sent my heart racing and before I knew it, I was in fight or flight mode. One bill that is due, one phone call unanswered, and a list of things to do that is 3 miles long and 5 miles wide. Apparently that is enough to send me back to bed today. So, have I become that person who everyone walks on egg-shells around because I might cry or stop functioning for 3 days? Guess so. I actually contemplated medication yesterday. My only hesitation is the fact that I would have to curtail New Year's Eve champagne if I went on anti-depressants and by God I've earned the right to kick 2009's ass with a toast to the next year. So, I just have to get through the next 2-3 days and I'll be fine, right?
The truly ironic thing about this anxiety I'm having is that I have actually gotten a lot done today. I went through all of Ford's clothes and cleaned out from under his bed. I also cleaned my stove and cleaned out the refrigerator. I started my meal planning for Thursday and started dusting. Why do I feel so crappy then? Why do I feel like the laziest slob on the planet? What do I have left today? I am going to finish the laundry and write an 11 minute script for Lincoln. If I can manage that, plus make dinner, I will have basically finished my list. Why then all the anxiety? It must me unrelated to the "doings" of Christmas. There's an invisible source of stress and worry that I can't put my finger on.
I'm going to try and untangle it. Okay, at Christmas, I always feel like a kid again. In fact, I remind myself to be a kid again with pictures from Christmas past on the mantle, toys under the tree, and a host of crafting activities and lights to see. Maybe I am struggling with this because at the time of year when I most want to be a kid again, I have lost my dad. I feel grown up in the worst of ways. Well, if that's it, there's no fixing it. I just have to plow ahead. So, back to my list. Back to the planning, the cleaning, the cooking and the "merriment". Perhaps Christmas itself will be enough of a distraction to bring the joy back into it - no pun intended. I probably won't post again until I need to vent. So, if you've read this whole thing, bless you. I promise that soon I will have a funny story or uplifting observation. Right now, I'm just counting down to Christmas like everybody else.
What triggered the panic attack? Several small things sent my heart racing and before I knew it, I was in fight or flight mode. One bill that is due, one phone call unanswered, and a list of things to do that is 3 miles long and 5 miles wide. Apparently that is enough to send me back to bed today. So, have I become that person who everyone walks on egg-shells around because I might cry or stop functioning for 3 days? Guess so. I actually contemplated medication yesterday. My only hesitation is the fact that I would have to curtail New Year's Eve champagne if I went on anti-depressants and by God I've earned the right to kick 2009's ass with a toast to the next year. So, I just have to get through the next 2-3 days and I'll be fine, right?
The truly ironic thing about this anxiety I'm having is that I have actually gotten a lot done today. I went through all of Ford's clothes and cleaned out from under his bed. I also cleaned my stove and cleaned out the refrigerator. I started my meal planning for Thursday and started dusting. Why do I feel so crappy then? Why do I feel like the laziest slob on the planet? What do I have left today? I am going to finish the laundry and write an 11 minute script for Lincoln. If I can manage that, plus make dinner, I will have basically finished my list. Why then all the anxiety? It must me unrelated to the "doings" of Christmas. There's an invisible source of stress and worry that I can't put my finger on.
I'm going to try and untangle it. Okay, at Christmas, I always feel like a kid again. In fact, I remind myself to be a kid again with pictures from Christmas past on the mantle, toys under the tree, and a host of crafting activities and lights to see. Maybe I am struggling with this because at the time of year when I most want to be a kid again, I have lost my dad. I feel grown up in the worst of ways. Well, if that's it, there's no fixing it. I just have to plow ahead. So, back to my list. Back to the planning, the cleaning, the cooking and the "merriment". Perhaps Christmas itself will be enough of a distraction to bring the joy back into it - no pun intended. I probably won't post again until I need to vent. So, if you've read this whole thing, bless you. I promise that soon I will have a funny story or uplifting observation. Right now, I'm just counting down to Christmas like everybody else.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The 100th Post
It's my 100th post. I thought I might do something special for you but after spending a week or so pondering that, nothing came to mind. Then, spontaneously, I wanted to post tonight.
So I'm standing by my tree, alone, waiting for it to magically make me feel better. This Christmas has been pretty lackluster so far. Let me give you some examples: I always cry when I watch Polar Express, but this year, I cried 5 times and I was only halfway through the movie! I finally gave up and started cleaning the floors (my classic stress response - cleaning). More examples...just the thought of decorating my tree made me sad. The tree sat outside on my porch for 3 days before we finally dragged it inside. After allowing my kids to decorate the whole thing (or the bottom third of it at least) I was content to allow Baxter to snip off the tip so the angel could fit up there - and while hugging my milk punch and sulking, finally exploded in laughter when the tip of the tree plopped right into my drink. I think it was the only time I smiled all night.
Tonight, like every night, I'm just blue - totally lifeless. I am not myself. I feel like I'm trapped in another dimension. So I am standing by my tree tonight, thankful for its sacrifice, enjoying its fragrance, and hoping that one of the ornaments will gleam in some certain way and catch my eye...and nothing happens. Nothing happens until I stare at a frosty blue ball - one of about a dozen like it on the tree - that just happens to be at my eye level. I stare at it in a sympathetic sort of way. That's how I feel - frosty blue. That's the ornament I identify with this year. Not the tipsy elf in the martini glass - not the saxophone wielding Santa Clause - not the homemade signed and dated ornaments from my children - not the Rubanesque angel painted orbs - the blue glass ball from Target. And suddenly, it occurs to me...my dad wouldn't want this for me. He named me Joy, after all. If he is watching from heaven, his heart would be heavy. He would not want me to be this other, sad person from planet blah. He would want me to be who I am, a woman who loves Christmas, who loves the get-togethers and merriment, who loves the lights and tinsel and carols. The song "Breath of Heaven" shouldn't make me feel like pushing myself off on an ice-flow. I need a Christmas miracle tonight. May my heart grow three sizes! I want to go buy the biggest Christmas Goose in all of Smyrna! For the last week of Christmas, I want to feel like myself again. I want to wake up tomorrow and feel a rush of Christmas spirit like never before. I am praying tonight for that miracle. May God give me myself back. That's all I really want for Christmas this year. What do you really want?
So I'm standing by my tree, alone, waiting for it to magically make me feel better. This Christmas has been pretty lackluster so far. Let me give you some examples: I always cry when I watch Polar Express, but this year, I cried 5 times and I was only halfway through the movie! I finally gave up and started cleaning the floors (my classic stress response - cleaning). More examples...just the thought of decorating my tree made me sad. The tree sat outside on my porch for 3 days before we finally dragged it inside. After allowing my kids to decorate the whole thing (or the bottom third of it at least) I was content to allow Baxter to snip off the tip so the angel could fit up there - and while hugging my milk punch and sulking, finally exploded in laughter when the tip of the tree plopped right into my drink. I think it was the only time I smiled all night.
Tonight, like every night, I'm just blue - totally lifeless. I am not myself. I feel like I'm trapped in another dimension. So I am standing by my tree tonight, thankful for its sacrifice, enjoying its fragrance, and hoping that one of the ornaments will gleam in some certain way and catch my eye...and nothing happens. Nothing happens until I stare at a frosty blue ball - one of about a dozen like it on the tree - that just happens to be at my eye level. I stare at it in a sympathetic sort of way. That's how I feel - frosty blue. That's the ornament I identify with this year. Not the tipsy elf in the martini glass - not the saxophone wielding Santa Clause - not the homemade signed and dated ornaments from my children - not the Rubanesque angel painted orbs - the blue glass ball from Target. And suddenly, it occurs to me...my dad wouldn't want this for me. He named me Joy, after all. If he is watching from heaven, his heart would be heavy. He would not want me to be this other, sad person from planet blah. He would want me to be who I am, a woman who loves Christmas, who loves the get-togethers and merriment, who loves the lights and tinsel and carols. The song "Breath of Heaven" shouldn't make me feel like pushing myself off on an ice-flow. I need a Christmas miracle tonight. May my heart grow three sizes! I want to go buy the biggest Christmas Goose in all of Smyrna! For the last week of Christmas, I want to feel like myself again. I want to wake up tomorrow and feel a rush of Christmas spirit like never before. I am praying tonight for that miracle. May God give me myself back. That's all I really want for Christmas this year. What do you really want?
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