S-Mother

I am trying not to smother my mother right now. She has been beautiful since the passing of my dad. The only exception is in the food department. 54 years of marriage is a long time to make the same breakfast every day. She will have to adjust to living alone in many ways. I'm sure sleeping alone is going to continue to be difficult for some time. Thankfully, she is not having any trouble sleeping through the night. Being alone all day is going to be lonely at times. Hopefully, she will find new ways to fill her days. I have been taking care of a lot of her food for the last two weeks, sending her leftovers, inviting her for meals, and supplying her with ideas for breakfast that don't involve making eggs, grits, sausage and biscuits - for one. Still, I am worried that I'm over-doing it. I know she's perfectly capable of taking care of herself. I know she needs time to be alone to process and heal. I just want to make sure I'm doing everything she needs during this adjustment period. I call on the way to the store to see if I can pick her up anything. I offer to do things constantly. Perhaps I'm doing too much. I don't want her to feel completely smothered by me. I need to pray in this department over the coming days and weeks.

Lord, help me to know what my mother's needs are. Help me to
anticipate them so that she will not have to ask. Help me to know when to
leave her be so that I do not create any undue tension between us. Help me
teach my kids throughout this process so that they may learn a new aspect of
love through me. Continue to bring all of us healing and comfort
throughout the coming months.

Friends and Neighbors

I want to take a moment to broadly thank everyone who has sent flowers, plants, condolences, cards, emails, and food to me and the rest of my family over the last 10 days. I have been surprised by the support and love of my friends, both new and old. Old friends are the best at times like these. They always seem to know what you need most. I have also seen new friends reach out in unexpected and welcome ways. One of my oldest friends, Mandy, sent me a sweet card on Monday. On the same day, my neighbor Heather brought me muffins. Ironically, I knew Heather in college - she was Mandy's roommate. We weren't really friends then, but now we're neighbors. I Hadn't seen her since 1994, until I moved in to Grandma's house. I just think it illustrated so well how old friends and new friends are there for support when you need them.

My neighbors are bringing us dinner tonight. I'm not sure what it will be but I am surrounded by talented cooks so it ought to be wonderful. Of course, none of them have seen the house before and it's not really finished - but it's good enough. I took the opportunity yesterday and today to finally get my house organized and clean for them. I just finished mopping and I have to say, I feel so much better than I did over the weekend staring at piles of clothes that needed ironing and baseboards that needed mopping. Cleaning is also a way I deal with stress. I usually have a pretty messy house because I'm a pretty happy person! If you ever come over unexpectedly and the house looks completely put-away and scoured, I am probably in the middle of some crisis. There are worse ways I could deal with stress. I could drink a lot - or turn on my family - or delve into a deep and dark depression. Compulsively organizing closets is benign enough.

Last night I had a panic attack in the middle of the night. I have had these before when I've been particularly stressed out but not in a long while. It wasn't as bad as the ones I had in the past. I was able to go right back to sleep afterwards. The first time I had one, I thought I was dying. I guess expecting the reaction makes it a little easier to handle. I broke out in hives on Sunday - also a physical response to stress that I am familiar with. I had one little patch then and didn't give it too much thought. However, by yesterday, both of my legs were fairly covered in them. I exfoliated, bought some fresh hydrocortisone cream which I applied liberally, and resorted to taking a benadryl. I am very sensitive to benadryl and so it took me most of the morning to completely wake up. The hives are still there but I think they will be getting better now.

The rest of the week will be spent just catching up with life. I have so much work to get done by Friday and also a book I need to finish reading before we meet to discuss it on Sunday. At least we're caught up on school and house-cleaning. Maybe I'll get out and get some sunshine this afternoon.

Journal - 10/26

Well, I'm still pretty down. I don't feel as distracted anymore so I guess the shock is starting to wear off. Now, normal activities feel like distractions. Last night, we watched America's Funniest Videos which had me rolling with laughter with the kids. After that, we all watched Extreme Home Makeover and got to cry for joyful reasons. That can be therapeutic. After that, we watched Grey's Anatomy off the Tivo. I'm not sure medical dramas are the way to go right now, what with the death and hospitals and all. It was somewhat distracting, mixed with images of my dad lying on a stretcher and the last words we spoke to each other. After that, we watched Modern Family, a new show that I really love. I really couldn't laugh out loud at that and I think by then, my emotions were growing more sad. Baxter and I talked for a few minutes in bed. Once I remove the distraction (i.e., TV), I have to deal with the feelings that were suspended during the distraction. I cried again. Not for a long time, but they were irrepressible tears. I feel a sense of loss that is quite depressing and sad. I really hope I can work through all of my feelings myself, bit it's possible I may need to go to some grief counseling.

Today has been better than yesterday. The kids and I slept until 9:15 so that tells you how wiped out we've been. We had breakfast and dug into our lesson plan from last week. The beauty of homeschooling is that you can just readjust your schedule at will and your kids don't miss anything in the learning process. We had a very productive morning and then had lunch at 1:00. I can't eat much. I only ate half a bagel for breakfast and half a fried egg sandwich for lunch. I know I need more sustenance than that, but it's just the way my body responds to stress. Some people eat more, I eat less. I think I might buy some nutritional supplement bars to eat early in the day instead of picking at regular food. I need to take care of my body's basic requirements if I expect to start feeling better.

After lessons, I felt almost normal. My energy seemed good and I felt like my old self. Then, when I couldn't finish my sandwich, I just felt awful again. It's so pretty outside and I know I need some sunshine. I think I will finish picking up the house and then head outside to play with the kids. I know I'll get through this, I just need to take it one step at a time. Today, I introduced routine back into my life. But at the same time, I know that nothing will ever be just like it was before.

My Life-Changing Event

Back on October 14th, I couldn't foresee my life being much more than the regular day-to-day routine that I was living. I would definitely call the loss of my father a life changing event. Therefore, this blog will very likely see a lot of new posts from me. I'm not sure why I haven't written yet. There is much I could have described about the day he passed away, the day we made his funeral arrangements, or the two days of services and burial. I could have written yesterday about the rainy day and how I wanted to lay in bed all day crying but I made myself put on make up and dress and go out into the world of the living. I don't know why I'm pushing my feelings away. I'm not one who usually does that. I spent years trying to unravel my sister's death and my families' struggle with it. I guess I just wasn't ready to lose my daddy. I'm going to use this blog to process all of this. I need it now more than ever. I googled "stages of grief death of a parent" a little while ago. I'm having such a strange mix of feelings (both emotional and physical) that I wanted to know if it was grief or swine flu! Turns out that nausea is a physical symptom of grief and I've had it on and off since I started CPR on him on Monday. I feel a great sense of heaviness, have no appetite and have had some chest pain. I think the more I suck in my emotions, the more they are probably going to exhibit themselves physically. I have cried a lot though. Yesterday, I started crying in my soup - literally. Ford said, "How many times are you going to cry today? You cried at breakfast and now at lunch...are you going to cry at dinner too?" Then, my tears transitioned (not so smoothly) into an almost hysterical laugh. "I don't know!" I replied, "maybe!" So, I am allowing myself to cry and I've done a lot of therapeutic things. For instance, I made the DVD for the funeral home and another larger one for the wake afterwards. Looking through all of those pictures with mama was an amazing and spontaneous thing. Then, the act of scanning them all and selecting songs - it was almost a dutiful thing. It made me feel like I was doing something to honor him. The obituary was the same way. I felt that it was a way I could honor him. Strangely though, writing it felt so good and reading it in the paper was so painful. I broke down in the middle of Waffle House. I am trying to hold it together. I don't want to feel like a complete mess of a person. I like to feel in control of my emotions - but I guess that's kind of like lying to myself.

According to the stages of grief, I am experiencing all of them at once. I feel a version of denial, as well as deep sadness, projected anger (at unrelated things), depression and - what was the other one again? I forgot to mention that I'm VERY distracted. I went around for three hours yesterday without my insulin pump. Oops! I also went up to my brothers for 10 minutes or so and looked for my keys everywhere before finally deciding that maybe they were in the car. When I walked outside, I discovered I had left it running the entire time. I feel like a complete space cadet and I'm worried that the stress of it all has actually affected my brain functioning! But actually, obsessing about your own health and mortality is another part of the greiving process.

Well, that's all I'm ready to write about for now: where I am, what I'm feeling, yada yada yada. I think recounting the stories of the past week will come later.

The Obituary Post

I know I'll have more to share about this; but for now, this is all I want to post.

My Daddy's Obituary