My Life-Changing Event

Back on October 14th, I couldn't foresee my life being much more than the regular day-to-day routine that I was living. I would definitely call the loss of my father a life changing event. Therefore, this blog will very likely see a lot of new posts from me. I'm not sure why I haven't written yet. There is much I could have described about the day he passed away, the day we made his funeral arrangements, or the two days of services and burial. I could have written yesterday about the rainy day and how I wanted to lay in bed all day crying but I made myself put on make up and dress and go out into the world of the living. I don't know why I'm pushing my feelings away. I'm not one who usually does that. I spent years trying to unravel my sister's death and my families' struggle with it. I guess I just wasn't ready to lose my daddy. I'm going to use this blog to process all of this. I need it now more than ever. I googled "stages of grief death of a parent" a little while ago. I'm having such a strange mix of feelings (both emotional and physical) that I wanted to know if it was grief or swine flu! Turns out that nausea is a physical symptom of grief and I've had it on and off since I started CPR on him on Monday. I feel a great sense of heaviness, have no appetite and have had some chest pain. I think the more I suck in my emotions, the more they are probably going to exhibit themselves physically. I have cried a lot though. Yesterday, I started crying in my soup - literally. Ford said, "How many times are you going to cry today? You cried at breakfast and now at lunch...are you going to cry at dinner too?" Then, my tears transitioned (not so smoothly) into an almost hysterical laugh. "I don't know!" I replied, "maybe!" So, I am allowing myself to cry and I've done a lot of therapeutic things. For instance, I made the DVD for the funeral home and another larger one for the wake afterwards. Looking through all of those pictures with mama was an amazing and spontaneous thing. Then, the act of scanning them all and selecting songs - it was almost a dutiful thing. It made me feel like I was doing something to honor him. The obituary was the same way. I felt that it was a way I could honor him. Strangely though, writing it felt so good and reading it in the paper was so painful. I broke down in the middle of Waffle House. I am trying to hold it together. I don't want to feel like a complete mess of a person. I like to feel in control of my emotions - but I guess that's kind of like lying to myself.

According to the stages of grief, I am experiencing all of them at once. I feel a version of denial, as well as deep sadness, projected anger (at unrelated things), depression and - what was the other one again? I forgot to mention that I'm VERY distracted. I went around for three hours yesterday without my insulin pump. Oops! I also went up to my brothers for 10 minutes or so and looked for my keys everywhere before finally deciding that maybe they were in the car. When I walked outside, I discovered I had left it running the entire time. I feel like a complete space cadet and I'm worried that the stress of it all has actually affected my brain functioning! But actually, obsessing about your own health and mortality is another part of the greiving process.

Well, that's all I'm ready to write about for now: where I am, what I'm feeling, yada yada yada. I think recounting the stories of the past week will come later.